Jewel Wars: Fellowship of the Whingers
by jedielf
Summary: One Gem to rule them all...no, stuff that. A Gem, this is! Also a parody of the Fellowship of the Ring script, this is. We take a look at the Holodisc of Yaddle...
1. A LongExpected Party I

JEWEL WARS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE WHINGERS

DISCLAIMER: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas, LOTR belongs to JRR Tolkien.

(AN: Some of you may not recognise some characters, because I incorporated some people from the Star Wars Expanded Universe. So here's a little de-brief for those who AREN'T Star Wars fans: About 4000 years before when A New Hope is set, there was a really evil dude called Exar Kun, who was the most powerful and dangerous of all Sith Lords, or Darths, as you may call them, and well, you get the idea of what he wanted to do. 

Enter Ulic Qel-Droma. He was a Jedi Knight who studied the Sith to so that the stuff he found out would be useful to the Jedi. He went a bit too far and actually fell to the Dark Side himself, becoming Exar Kun's apprentice. He betrayed his Master by giving the Jedi the secrets to the Sith Temple, the source of Kun's power, on Yavin 4, where the Rebel base is in A New Hope. So Exar Kun then got the ass kicking he deserved, and then there was "peace" – more details later - in the galaxy, but Ulic Qel-Droma still fell to the Dark, so that's still considered as a loss, not that I really remember if he actually redeemed himself after that…

Also, lightsabre crystals – they can be any sort of gem… are what makes the lightsabre glow they way they do, so then you can actually *see* the blade.)

CAST (just some of them, in no particular order)

Frodo – Luke Skywalker

Gandalf – Yoda

Bilbo – Uncle Owen

Galadriel – Yaddle (the other one on the Jedi Council with very wrinkly skin and pointy ears)

Sam – C-3PO (but I prefer See Threepio)

Merry – R2 (Artoo)

Pippin – D2 (Detoo)

Butterbur – The bartender at the Cantina

Aragorn/Strider/(all his other names) – Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi

Elrond – Bail Organa (Leia's adoptive dad)

Arwen – Princess Leia (NO she does NOT fall in love with Ben!)

Legolas – Han Solo

Gimli – Chewbacca

Boromir – Lando Calrissian

Gollum – Emperor Palpatine

Isildur – Ulic Qel-Droma

Sauron – Exar Kun

Saruman – Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader

Elven script reads: A long time ago, in a…oh, you know the damn drill, just get on with it!

A vast, spiral galaxy serves as the backdrop for Yaddle's speech. Zoom in slowly towards the point where the planet Yavin is located..

YADDLE (V.O – Voice Over)

Changed, the galaxy has.

Feel it in the Force, I do.

Feel it in my heart

See it with my eyes.

Hm.

Lost now, is much that once was.

Remember it, many who live now do not.

Began with forging of the Great Lightsabre Jewels, it did.

Given three of them, we hard-to-kill people were,

Wisest and wrinkliest of all creatures in the galaxy.

Given seven of them, the hairy beings were.

Like to live in little shacks, they do.

Hm.

And given nine…_nine_ of them, the humans were.

Rather strange to me, humans seem…

Wonder why given so many, they were, I do?

Desire power, many humans do, above all things.

For bound to these gems, the strength and will to govern was.

But deceived, all of them were, yes! For made, another Gem was!

On planet of Yavin, in burning fires and toxic gases, forged in secret a Master Gem to control all others, the Dark Lord did.

His cruelty…his malice…his will to dominate all life, he worked into this Gem.

To rule them all, one Gem is.

Hm.

One by one, fell to the Dark, the free planets of the galaxy did.

Yet resisted and formed an Alliance, some did.

Marched against the dark armies and fought for the freedom of the galaxy on the fourth moon of Yavin, this Alliance did.

The camera finally focuses on the fourth moon of Yavin, or Yavin 4, as it is more widely known. Fade into next scene.

EXT. YAVIN 4 – MASSASSI TEMPLES

The once peaceful jungles of Yavin 4 are now disturbed by the harsh reality of warfare. Bail Organa leads an entire army of troops, carry weapons of all sorts, into battle.

BAIL

(to troops with blasters, rifles, etc. and tanks at the front) Hold your positions!

They wait for the Sith army to come out of hiding.

BAIL

(mutters) 

Come on, hurry up, I'm not going to stand here all –

He is interrupted by the sound of lots of footsteps approaching. Out of the dense foliage emerges the Sith army, lightsabres and other weapons ready.

BAIL

Fire!

The jungle explodes into a great hail of laser bolts as Jedi and Sith charge, lightsabres flashing, into the midst of battle.

Exar Kun emerges from the midst of the Sith warriors, igniting his lightsabre.

YADDLE (V. O)

Very close to Victory, the Alliance was.

But greater than the power of the Gem, nothing was.

Heads go rolling as Exar Kun sweeps his lightsabre.

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

Then, it was, when performed his final betrayal to his Master, Ulic Qel-Droma did.

Ulic Qel-Droma, a Jedi-turned-Sith, charges up behind Exar Kun and runs him through with his blue blade. Qel-Droma twirls and slashes Kun's lighsabre handle in half, and the top half, containing the Great Gem, rolls onto the ground. His lightsabre cannot resist cutting through so much power anymore, and the blade shuts down, having been fried.

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

Defeated, Exar Kun was, yet a victory, it was not.

Hm.

Took up the Gem, Qel-Droma did, and to destroy it and evil forever, he had one single chance.

Yet easily tempted and corrupted, the hearts of humans are. Stupid things.

Has a will of its' own, this powerful Gem does.

Betrayed Qel-Droma to his death, it did.

Hm.

Qel-Droma gets blindsided by a gang of Togorian pirates and is left to die in a river. The Gem falls out of his lightsabre and is lost in the water, while the handle is picked up by Qel-Droma's long-lost cousin's best friend's sister's husband's cousin.

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

And lost, some things that should never have been forgotten were.

Became legend, history did.

Hm.

Became myth, legend did.

Hm.

Passed out of knowledge for three and a half millennia, the Gem did.

Until, when came, chance did, entranced, another bearer became!

Palpatine walks by the river and spots the Gem, picking it up.

PALPATINE

(hisses)

My darling…

EXT. DEATH STAR

The camera zooms in towards the Death Star.

YADDLE (V.O)

(Cont'd)

Came to a man, the Gem did.

Palpatine, his name was.

Took it, he did, into the long, narrow hallways of the Death Star, 

Where rotted, his soul did.

Hm.

Well, of course! Live so long, who could, surrounded by yucky grey metal, hmmm?

INT. DEATH STAR – REALLY LONG HALLWAY

Palpatine hobbles down the long narrow, steel-grey corridor with a walking stick, staring at his "darling", passing a few stormtroopers on the way.

PALPATINE

My darling came to me, yesss, it did!

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

Had an unnaturally long life for humans, Palpatine did with this Gem.

Almost as old as I am, he is!

For four hundred years, poisoned his mind has been.

And waited it did, in the dust of a half constructed Death Star.

Revealed themselves again, the Sith did, and of a nameless fear, whispers were started. 

Yes…

Perceived, the Gem of Power did, that come now, its time did

Palpatine it abandoned, but come, someone new did.

Unexpected to the Gem this was, yes!

Picked up, it was, by one most unimaginable.

A moisture farmer…Owen Lars of Tatooine, it was.

Hm.

Owen come bumbling along the corridor of a more completed Death Star and finds the Gem.

OWEN

(picks it up)

A gem, huh?

PALPATINE

(imitates Obi-Wan in The Phantom Menace) NOOOOOOOO! My darling has gone!!!

YADDLE (V. O)

(Cont'd)

For, stupid to these people as moisture farmers may seem, come, the time will,

When shape the future of the galaxy, these moisture farmers will, yes!

EXT. TATOOINE – LARS HOMESTEAD – EARLY MORNING - TWENTY YEARS LATER

Luke sits in his garage, playing with plastic models of various types of fighters, making his own sound effects as some get "blown up". He hears the rumbling of a spaceship in the distance and looks out the window. He grins as the starfighter sets down on the sand not too far away from the homestead and its' pilot pulls up the canopy, revealing a tiny green man with pointy ears and shabby robes. Luke runs over to him as he pulls himself out of the cockpit.

YODA

(singing, VERY off-key)

Let's get physical, physical!!!

Luke plugs his ears as he makes the rest of the distance.

LUKE

Yoda!

YODA

(stops)

Good to see you, it is, young Skywalker!

LUKE

(unplugs his ears)

Has it ever occurred to you to take singing lessons?

YODA

(insulted)

No, never! Great pop singer I was, before you were born!

LUKE

(rolls his eyes)

Anyway, what took you so long to get here?

YODA

Young Skywalker, takes as long as a hyperdrive allows it to, a space trip does!

LUKE

(scowls)

Damn them Class Threes. What's wrong with it?

YODA

(smugly)

Spring a leak, it did. Replaced it, I did, and bought a new Class One!

Luke howls with jealousy and runs over to Yoda's X-Wing!

LUKE

(jumping up and down)

CAN I SEE? CAN I SEE?

Yoda whacks him on the forehead with his gimer stick (that's his walking stick).

YODA

*whack, whack, whack* NO, YOU CANNOT! *whack* MINE, IT IS! *whack* MINE, MINE, MINE! *whack, whack, whack, whack, whack*

LUKE

(raising his arms and shielding himself)

Sorry, sorry, sorry! (Yoda stops) Anyway, it's good to see you too, Yoda. Tell me of everything going on with the Rebellion.

YODA

Ahhh, boring it is! Nothing to tell.

Why? Too busy to attend your Uncle Owen's birthday, do you think I am, hmmm?

Luke follows Yoda back to the homestead. At the front of the Lars house, there is a gigantic holoprojector to project a "banner" on the night.

YODA

Hmm, long-expected party this is, yes! Well, your uncle is, I hope? Party of special significance, I hear it will be, yes!

LUKE

(laughs)

Oh, you know uncle Owen, he's got everyone from here to Mos Eisley in uproar!

YODA

(grins)

Hmmm, please him, that should!

LUKE

Well, anyway, you're now known around these parts as a crazy old wizard, you know? I'm glad you're back!

They turn to the entrance of the house, which has an electronic sign that says "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE OR I'LL BLAST YOUR HEAD OFF, UNLESS IT'S ABOUT THE PARTY."

Yoda stares at the sign, then turns back to Luke.

YODA

As am I, young Skywalker!

LUKE

(yells)

Uncle Owen! UNCLE OWEN! Guess who's here?

Almost immediately, the door slides open, revealing a very weatherworn man in his forties or fifties standing in the doorway.

OWEN

Yoda! You're here!

YODA

(grins)

Greetings, Owen Lars! Well you are, I hope?

OWEN

Not bad.

LUKE

Hey, well, I'd better get off to Tosche (AN: pronounced "toshi") Station to pick up those power converters you asked for, Uncle. (retreating) I'll be back soon!

OWEN

All right, Luke. Remember to get Micro small size! The other ones broke while I was trying to fit them!

LUKE

(rounds a corner to the garage)

All right, I will!

Luke disappears into the garage and roars off into the distance with his landspeeder a few moments later.

YODA

Good to see you, it is, Owen! Fifty years old, are you not? Believe it, I cannot! Look forty, you still do!

OWEN

Aw, thanks. Come on in and I'll get you some bantha milk (AN: That's the blue stuff that they drink in ANH, to you non-SW fans).

Owen leads Yoda into the house and the door slides shut behind them.


	2. A LongExpected Party II

Part Two

INT. LARS HOMESTEAD

OWEN

(Cont'd)

Something a little stronger, maybe? Corellian brandy?

Owen leads Yoda into the normally dusty Lars home, which has been meticulously cleaned for the party. It is a simple dwelling, primitive yet homely, even though there are not many furnishings and the fact that it is mainly rock.

YODA

(Crinkles his nose at the memory of his first taste of bantha's milk)

No bantha milk! Yuck, yuck, yuck, it is! Any rum, do you have?

Owen disappears into the kitchen

OWEN

(from the kitchen)

Oh, yep, we've got plenty of that, too, just let me find some glasses…You know, I was expecting you last week, but, doesn't matter anyway, does it, huh? 'Fraid you caught me a bit off-guard here.

Owen gets a bottle of the finest brand of Corellian rum he can find and some glasses as well, while Yoda picks up a holoprojector and switches it on, revealing a map of the galaxy.

OWEN

(Cont'd)

I can give you some ice if you want it…

Owen returns to the living room with the rum and glasses, but Yoda isn't there. He sighs.

OWEN

(Whinges)

Yoda, where the hell are you? You know I hate it when you do this –

Yoda appears behind him and whacks him in the back of the knees with his gimer stick. Owen still manages to protect the bottle and the glasses.

YODA

Do just fine, normal rum will, yes!

OWEN

(Stutters, standing up)

Erm, well, oh…um, yeah, all right…don't mind if I have a drink, too?

He unscrews the bottle and takes a swig.

Someone buzzes the door.

OWEN

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M %^&*EN BUSY RIGHT NOW!?

LUKE

(Muttering, offscreen)

Dam nit, I knew he's say that. He's been drinking rum again, as usual…

Owen rolls his eyes and shakes his head in disgust.

OWEN

Man, gotta get away from here, away from all this bloody moisture farming…I want to see water straight from the ocean again, you know, Yoda? I hate having to make my own rain. I also want to finish writing my holonotes someplace _interesting_…

YODA

(Lifts his eyebrows)

So, mean to go through with this plan of yours, do you?

OWEN

Why do you question it?

YODA

Just saying I am, that unclean, seawater is! Remember that time when drank a whole lot of water you did, only to find that bathed in it before, somebody did, hmmm?

Owen's face momentarily goes green.

YODA

Suspect something, Luke does.

Owen looks at Yoda as if he is stupid.

OWEN

Duh! He's a Skywalker, not some idiot Hairraiser from Anchorhead! Whaddaya expect?

YODA

Tell him, will you not?

OWEN

Well, of _course _I'm gonna tell the poor kid, who's there to look after him when I'm gone? Definitely not Beru, because I found vomit on the front doorstep after leaving the house for two minutes!

YODA

His uncle, you are! Trusts and respects you, he does! Tell him, you must!

Owen shakes his head sadly, poring a glass for Yoda.

OWEN

I know…he'd probably come running after me if he knew better than to stay here with those brats he calls friends…

Yoda whacks him on the forehead angrily.

OWEN

OW!

YODA

(Indignantly)

Call them brats, you shall not! Taught me how to bowl, they did!

A look of realisation hits Owen's face.

OWEN

Oh, so _that_ explains the hole in the wall (points to a hole the size of a bowling ball in the wall).

Yoda turns away, ashamed.

YODA

Told you that, I should not have.

OWEN

See what I mean? I can't keep up with these fellas anymore! I feel old and worn! I want to get the hell out of here, Yoda, and go on a REALLY long vacation. I mean, I don't even know if I want to come back…

Yoda gives him a dewy smile.

YODA

Hard to see, the future is.

LATER THAT DAY

Yoda bowls down a stone vase. The vase breaks into tiny pieces…and the one behind it…and the one behind that one, too…and the one behind _that…_and the six of them behind _that_ one. The ball goes rolling on, and makes another hole in the wall...the thirtieth one that day. Owen has collapsed into his chair, a resigned look on his face.

OWEN

(moans)

I give up!

YODA

YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (jumps up and down in excitement, punching his fists and headbanging) A GOD, I AM! DA MAN, WHO IS? DA MAN, WHO IS? HMMM? LET ME TELL YOU, I MUST!!! DA MAN, _I_ AM! DA MAN, _I _AM!!! MMMMHMMMHMMHMHMHMHM!!! PAY FOR THE DAMAGE, I WILL NOT, FOR RULE, I DO!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A DAY TO REMEMBER, THIS WILL BE!!! MY VERY FIRST PERFECT GAME, IT IS!!! WOOOOOOOOOOH!!!

EXT. LARS HOMESTEAD – NIGHT OF OWEN'S PARTY

Hundreds of people are gathered to celebrate the fiftieth birthday of Owen Lars. The banner in front of the homestead is up and reads "THE CRUSTY OLD MAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY". A green firework shoots up into the air and explodes, forming the words "RULE, I DO!!!"

Luke admires the banners and stifles as snigger as Owen glares at it angrily.

OWEN

I'm gonna kill that kid. I'm NOT crusty!!!

Luke carefully runs around the back of the homestead, careful not to kick up any sand. He comes around, and runs up to Threepio. The golden robot stares dumbfounded at a silver robot who is in the middle of the crowd and doing a jerky, robotic shuffle-dance.

LUKE

(rolls his eyes in exasperation)

Geez, come _on_, Threepio! Ask TC-14 for a dance!

Threepio is too shy.

THREEPIO

Erm, I think I shall just recharge my batteries, Master Luke…

Luke shakes his head stubbornly, pushing Threepio forwards.

LUKE

Oh, no you don't, Threepio, your battery's almost full now!

Threepio stumbles forwards and finally decides to dance off with TC-14.

Owen sits down and tells a story to the farmkids.

OWEN

So, yeah, it was me versus a thousand Trade Federation battleships, and I turned around and took on them – 

(Makes laser zap noises) 

- And every single one of them went crashing into the Droid Control Ship! And then, suddenly, I was hit by a laser blast and my ship went spinning out of control!

The kids look absolutely terrified.

OWEN

And I went spiralling right into one of the main docking bays…

Yoda takes out some more fireworks and sets off harmless meandering yellow sparks that the other farmkids try to catch.

After he moves off, Artoo and Detoo sneak in to steal one of their own. Detoo carefully extends a claw at the batch of fireworks.

ARTOO

Beeep-beep-doo-weeep!!! 

*Translation: No, get that one!!!*

DETOO

Bip-ba-dip!!! *I know, I know!!!*

Detoo gets his claws around the largest firework he can hold (about 2cm thick, mind you). He and Artoo run into the outhouse, where they can't be seen lighting the firework, and set it down. Artoo sets it alight with an electric zap.

ARTOO

*There, that should do it.*

DETOO

*STICK IT IN THE GROUND!!! STICK IT IN THE GROUND!!!*

ARTOO

*YOU DO IT, IF YOU'RE SO SMART!*

DETOO

*FINE!*

Detoo takes the firework, which is almost burnt out. He realizes he can't lower his claws.

DETOO

(Matter-of-factly)

*Oh, crap.*

ARTOO

(Innocently)

*I had nothing to do with it, it was your idea!!!*

The firework goes off, smashing a hole in the roof of the outhouse. Pieces of rock go flying as the firework continues on its' way up towards the sky. A dazed Artoo and Detoo look on in despair, covered in soot.

ARTOO

*I'm _dobbing_ on you!*

DETOO

*No, you're not.*

ARTOO

*I'm _dobbing_ for _rea!!!_*

DETOO

*I'll dob back!!!*

The firework falls from the sly, dissolving into dust before it even gets NEAR the ground.

EVERYONE

(Murmuring)

Well, that was lame…

OWEN

(Turning to the outhouse and yelling)

YODA, WHAT THE %^&* WAS THAT?

Yoda appears at the farmer's side.

YODA

Me, it was not. Know who it is, I do. Feel it in the Force, I can…

Yoda limps off towards the outhouse, where Artoo and Detoo try to escape from. Yoda catches them and puts on Force Speed, sprinting away towards them, and, quick as lightning, putting restraining bolts on them.

YODA

(Triumphantly)

Hmmm, known I should have! Artoo and Detoo, it is!

Artoo and Detoo end up serving drinks and having to tend to tipsy guests for the rest of the night. A gigantic cake with one gigantic candle is being dragged by on a repulsorsled, and Owen climbs onto his roof.

TIPSY FARMERS

C'mon, Owen, buddy, speech!

OWEN

All right, all right…erm…all right.

(Gruffly pulls a datapad from his pocket)

Fellow Darklighters, Whitesuns, Sandstormers and Windblockers.

(Swallows) 

Erm, I think I'll just…yeah…

Owen, to the utter shock of the audience, teeters backwards and falls. Unseen to the audience, though, he reaches into his pocket and summons the power for the Gem, disappearing as soon as he is out of sight of everyone else (except Yoda, that is). The crowd disperses with fear, and Owen waits until the place is nearly empty before going back into his house and letting go of the Gem.

INT. LARS HOMESTEAD – HALLWAY

The door slides open and Owen appears, stepping into the homestead. He puts the Gem in his pocket and continues on his way in.

INT. LARS HOMESTEAD – LIVING ROOM

Yoda is already there, and he is angry.

YODA

(Snaps)

Very clever, I suppose you think it was, hmmm!?

OWEN

Aw, c'mon, Yoda, what the hell have you got up your @$$? Did you catch the looks on their faces?

YODA

Hm! Went to the toilet, I just did! 

Many Force-powerful gems there are in this galaxy, Owen! Used lightly, none of them should be!

OWEN

Geez, can't a guy have any fun around here? (Grumbles) You're probably right, though…as always…

Owen finds a small suitcase and begins to gather a few belongings.

OWEN

You'll keep an eye on the kid, won't you?

YODA

Keeping an eye on him, I have, for eighteen years, Owen! Know better than to ask me that, you should!

OWEN

Yeah, well, everything of mine is his now.

YODA

And what of the Gem? Stay here, too, will it? Hmmm?

OWEN

Yeah, I tossed it into one of those little trinkets over there…

Yoda glares at him indignantly.

YODA

(darkly)

Think I am stupid, do you?

OWEN

(laughs nervously)

Oh! Hang on, I forgot, it's here in my pocket. Well, why should I leave it behind, anyway?

YODA

(Mock-casually)

Been in your possession for too long, that Gem has! So hard to leave behind, is it? Hmmm?

OWEN

(Angrily, lunging at Yoda and trying to bash him on the head)

NO!!! MINE, IT IS! MINE, MINE, MINE!!!

Yoda stands there coolly, arms folded, rolling his eyes.

YODA

(Sighs)

Fake my gravely voice, you cannot. No need for anger now.

OWEN

(Continues screeching)

WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT! MINE, IT IS! MY DARLING!!!

Yoda raises a disbelieving eyebrow.

YODA

Darling, you call it, hmmm? Heard that used before, I have, but not by you!

OWEN

(Stops screeching and folds his arms stubbornly)

Well, its none of your business what I do with this, is it? You want this damned thing for yourself, don't you?

Yoda does the Mr. Miagi thing he does in Attack of the Clones (You know, the one where he narrows his eyes while catching the Force lightning?)

YODA

(Screams)

OWEN LARS!!! TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS, YOU SHALL NOT!!! TRYING TO HELP YOU, I AM!!!

He loses the Mr. Miagi look and is the short green wrinkly dude again. Owen looks as though he's about to wet his pants.

YODA

Been friends for so many long years, we have. Trust me, you must. Let it go.

OWEN

(Shrugs)

All right, then.

Owen turns and is about to step out the door.

YODA

The Gem, if you may???

Owen stops and turns around.

OWEN

Oh, crap…

He takes the gem out of his pocket and turns his hand over, as if it's the hardest thing to do in the universe. The Gem falls to the floor and smashes into tiny smithereens.

OWEN

Oh, _crap!_

The pieces of the Gem then roll back together and the Gem looks as though it was never broken.

OWEN

See you round, then, Yoda.

Owen slides the door open and steps out into the Tatooine night.

YODA

(Sadly)

Farewell, Owen. May the Force be with you.

Owen continues towards his starship just outside the garage as the door slides shut. Yoda laughs evilly.

YODA

But escape me, you will not! Meet you again, I will! Evil, I am!!! MMM-HM-HM-HM-HM-HM-HM!!!

He then goes to pick up the Gem, but has a dark vision.

YODA'S VISION

A clouded figure appears.

FIGURE

I have not yet been destroyed…

INT. LARS HOMESTEAD – LIVING ROOM

Yoda thinks better of what he is doing and decides to leave the Gem where it is. He sits down in a chair, thinking about his vision, the Gem's history, and Owen's words

OWEN'S VOICE

Mine, it is…my darling…

YODA

(Thoughtfully)

Darling?…Palpatine…

LUKE'S VOICE

(from outside)

Uncle Owen? Uncle Owen!

The door slides open and Luke bursts in, picking up the gem on the way. He skids to a stop in front of Yoda.

LUKE

He's gone, right? Gawd, I never thought he'd really leave like that, even though he was yakking on about it for so long! Geez!

Yoda looks at Luke's hand, which is holding the Gem, and sighs. His old age is catching up with him.

YODA

Owen's Gem, that is.

Luke looks at him stupidly.

LUKE

I know _that_!

Yoda ignores Luke and continues.

YODA

Gone to Alderaan, he has, and left you here, along with all of these possessions. Yours now, this Gem is.

He unties a small pouch from his belt and holds it open in front of Luke. Luke peers inside and crinkles his nose.

LUKE

Ew! What did you keep in there before? It smells disgusting!

Yoda doesn't answer, still holding the pouch out.

YODA

Put it in this, you must.

Luke drops the Gem inside and double-knots it, knots it again, and again, and again…

LUKE

Why the hell are you tying so many knots in it?

Yoda shows Luke his handiwork with the string.

YODA

Looks pretty, it does, do you think not? Hmmm-hm-hm!

Luke rolls his eyes

LUKE

(Sighs)

Geez…

YODA

HEARD THAT, I DID!

He whacks Luke over the head with his gimer stick. Luke ducks.

LUKE

OY! Stop hitting me!!!

YODA

All right. (stops hitting Luke and hands the pouch over to him) Keep this safe you must. Let no one touch it or hear of it. Understood?

LUKE

 (Ties it to his utility belt) 

Yeah, I will.

Yoda turns and heads for the door.

LUKE

Wait, where are you going? I thought you were staying!

YODA

Some things I must attend to, there are.

LUKE

Like what?

YODA

My skin…very easily irritated by the sand, it is! Stuck on this dust ball planet, I will never be! Hmph!

The door slides open and Yoda steps out through it, towards his ship. The door slides shut again.

LUKE

(shakes his head in disgust)

I simply do not understand that Yoda…


	3. Shadow of the SithFour is a Crowd

Part Three

KESSEL'S GARRISON MOON

Stormtroopers are busy at work.

A voice whispers…

VOICE

Tatooinnnnnne….Ssssskywalkerrrr….

Nine Super Star Destroyers begin to crawl out of the docking bay. Now, these babies are 8 kilometres long, with about 280 000 crew, 1 600 gunners…

VOICE

Gettttttt onnnn withhhhh ittttt……

Fine, FINE!!! 

EXT. SPACE AROUND CORUSCANT

Yoda's X-Wing comes out of hyperspace near Coruscant, and continues its way towards the planet's surface.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE ARCHIVES

Yoda pulls a data entry out of the archives and slips the disk into his datapad. It reads:

The year 3996 BBY (Before Battle of Yavin). Here follows the account of Ulic Qel-Droma, fallen Jedi, and the finding of the Gem of Power.

"I have it. The Gem, it's mine. It's ALL MINE, YOU HEAR ME??? And if I die, then I'm going to pass it down to my son, and his son, and _his_ son…and so on.

You'll only be able to if it's the real Gem or not if you hit it with Force lightning, and the writing only becomes very clear when the Dark is rising again."

Well, yeah, that pretty much sums it all up.

YODA

(Murmurs)

Luke…grave danger, he is in.

EXT. SPACE AROUND CORUSCANT

Yoda's X-Wing flies away from the planet, and disappears into hyperspace as soon as it is out of reach of gravity.

EXT. SPACE AROUND TATOOINE

Yoda's X-Wing appears out of hyperspace and heads for the red dust ball once again, despite how much the poor pilot hates the sand.

EXT. TATOOINE – SOME OTHER GUY'S HOMESTEAD – EVENING

A TIE Fighter from one of the Star Destroyers sets down at a homestead near Mos Espa. Sand blows up from underneath it as it lands, and a disgruntled moisture farmer steps out of his house, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and carrying a rifle in his other hand.

The TIE ramp lowers and a stormtrooper emerges.

MOISTURE FARMER

Bloody Sand People…

STORMTROOPER

Tatooinnnnnne….Ssssskywalkerrrr….

The moisture farmer looks befuddled.

MOISTURE FARMER

Sorry. No Skywalkers around this part. You might want to try the other side of Mos Eisley, just a few days' speeder drive from the spaceport.

He points in the direction of Mos Eisley.

The stormtrooper gazes off in the direction of the bustling spaceport town of Mos Eisley.

EXT. LARS HOMESTEAD – EVENING

Luke's speeder pulls up in the garage, back from Tosche Station, having finally got the power converters. He notices small, three-toed footprints in the sand leading into the homestead when he gets out of the garage. He follows them and opens the doors, stepping into the house.

INT. LARS HOMESTEAD – HALLWAY

The house is deathly quiet as Luke creeps into the house, weary of the intruder.

INT LARS HOMESTEAD – LIVING ROOM

Luke is suddenly hit over the head with an all too familiar gimer stick.

YODA

*whack* YAH!

Luke jumps a mile.

LUKE

ARRRRRGGGH! DON'T DO THAT!!!

YODA

Where is the Gem? Do you still have it?

LUKE

(stammers)

Um, well, it's, um, right here…

Luke fumbles for the pouch, which is still tied to his utility belt. As soon as the knot slips, Yoda snatches at it. He misses and accidentally punches Luke right in the –

LUKE

(doubles over in agony)

AGGH!

YODA

Oooh, so sorry, I am!

LUKE

(Sarcastically)

Yeah, well, I bet you are! I think you're looking for this thing.

Luke unties the pouch and hands it to Yoda, who promptly throws it on the table and strikes it with a blast of Force lightning. The bag shrivels up and crumbles to dust after a few moments, leaving the Gem, which Yoda then levitates up to Luke's eyes.

YODA

What is it that you see?

Luke squints, examining the Gem as it is turned around.

LUKE

Well, I don't see…Wait.

Letters begin to appear on the Gem, as slivers of light erupt from it. Luke holds his hand out underneath it, careful not to touch it.

LUKE

Wait, there's something here…but I can't read it.

YODA

Imperial language, invented by the Sith, that is. Say it here, I shall not, yet tell you what it means, I will.

LUKE

The _Sith_? What does it say?

Yoda shifts uncomfortably.

YODA

(Coughs)

Well…hmmm…erm…

The letter A, I see…the letter G also…

Luke sighs in exasperation as Yoda takes his time to work out what the Gem says.

TWO HOURS LATER…

YODA

(Triumphantly)

Got it, I have!

"A Gem, this is!" it says!

Luke looks at Yoda as if he is an idiot.

LUKE

What? That's it!

YODA

(Nods)

Written on the Gem, all that is!

Luke shakes his head.

LUKE

Geez, this is stupider than I thought!

YODA

Created by the Dark Lord Exar Kun, this Gem was, in the maelstrom of the planet Yavin. Took it, Ulic Qel-Droma did, from the lightsabre of Kun himself. Yes.

LUKE

And Uncle Owen found it on the Death Star.

YODA

(Nods)

Hm. For Owen's whole life I have watched him as he looked away to the future, to the horizon, daydreaming about the Ring. Never his mind on where he was. Hm. What he was doing! Hm. Made him seem to age as slowly as Harrison Ford, the Gem did, yes! Yet want to stay here longer, the Gem does not, Luke. Begun yet again, a Dark Age has. Heard it's true master's signal, the Gem has.

Luke blinks, surprised.

LUKE

But Kun was destroyed, wasn't he? He's dead, right?

VOICE

(Softly)

_No_…

YODA

(shakes head and coughs)

No, *cough, cough* not dead, not in spirit. Remains alive, his spirit does, in the lost temples of Yavin 4. As long as still in existence, the Gem is, as so will his spirit be. Only the Gem does Kun need to envelop the galaxy in another darkness. Searching for it, he is…completely bent, his mind is, twisted both by the Gem and by the Dark Side of the Force. 

Wants, the Gem does, to be reunited with it's true Master. One, the Gem and the Owner are…never find each other, they must, Luke!

Luke snatches the Gem from Yoda's Force grip.

YODA

(Indignantly, shaking his fists)

ARRRRGH! LOSE MY CONCERNTRATION, YOU MADE ME!

LUKE

(Half-heartedly)

Sorry, Yoda…well, anyway, let's put it away, hide it somewhere. And we never talk about it. No one else knows that it's here, right?

Luke grins optimistically. 

There is a silence. 

Yoda coughs.

LUKE

(Grin becomes rather fixed)

_Right?_

YODA

Well…ahem…only one other, there is, who knows of Owen being in possession of the Gem. Hunted every nook and cranny of the galaxy, I have, for Palpatine, yet seems, it does, that found him first, the Sith did. Know I do not of how torturing they were to him, yet picked up two words, they did, from the gibberish. Yes. Tatooine, Skywalker, those two words were.

Luke pieces the information together and comes up with…

LUKE

Tatooine…Skywalker? But that's going to lead them…oh, sh-

EXT. HOMESTEAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF MOS ESPA, AWAY FROM THE SLAVE HOVELS

A security officer is confronted by a stormtrooper in a speeder and is shot down by the stormtrooper's rifle. The speeder roars past, leaving behind the security guard's smoking body.

INT. LARS HOMESTEAD – LIVING ROOM

Luke panics, shoving the Gem in Yoda's face.

LUKE

You take it, Yoda, go on!

Yoda jumps backwards, nearly tripping over his own robes.

YODA

No! Give it to me, you cannot!

LUKE

Geez, Yoda, I'm _giving_ it to you!

He shoves the Gem forwards again, and Yoda continues to retreat.

YODA

Tempt me not, Luke! Receive it, I dare not, even if to keep it safe, it is! Understand you must, young Luke! Use the Gem, I would, if wanted to do good with it, I did! Yet through me, have a power too great and terrible, it would!

LUKE

(Whines)

But it can't stay here!

YODA

No! Stay on Tatooine, it cannot!

LUKE

Then what do I do!?

YODA

Stop that whining of yours first! Very annoying, it is!

Luke sulks.

YODA

(Cont'd)

Then make for Mos Eisley, you must, as quickly as your speeder allows.

LUKE

(Sulks)

Mos Eisley…but what about you, Yoda?

YODA

Know I do not, Luke. No answers to these questions, there are. See to the both wise and powerful Master Jedi, I must. Of what to do, only he will know. Leave your Skywalker name behind, you must. Unsafe outside of here, it has become. Only by day you must travel, and away from the main routes.

LUKE

(Complains)

You know I'm a good pilot, Yoda. I'll be fine!!!

Yoda rolls his eyes and begins to hobble backwards and forwards. Luke stares at him.

LUKE

What the hell are you doing?

YODA

(Grins)

Hobbling backwards and forwards, I am! Waiting for you to pack your things!

Luke's face clears.

LUKE

Oh!

He runs off to get packed for a very long journey, and is back in moments.

YODA

Hmm, pack quickly, you do! But far you have to go if want to set galactic record, you do! Two point one-four seconds, the time is!

LUKE

No, I am not interested in breaking the galactic record, thank you very much…

There is a noise outside the window.

YODA

Drop you must!

Luke throws himself to the floor as Yoda goes up to the window, stands on his toes and holds the gimer stick out, hitting something made of metal.

THREEPIO

Ouch!

There is a scarping noise as Yoda uses his gimer stick to lift Threepio through the window and into the house by his golden plating.

YODA

(Snaps)

Been eavesdropping, have you?

THREEPIO

(Babbles)

Oh no, I'm t_erribly sorry, Master Yoda, I was simply going about my business as usual. I was tending to the moisture vapourators just over there._

Threepio points behind him and Master Yoda tuts.

YODA

Rather late to be tending to vapourators, do you think not, hmmm?

THREEPIO

(Awkwardly)

Well, you see, Master Yoda, my aural receptors picked up raised voices coming from this homestead.

YODA

(Urgently)

What hear have you? Speak!

THREEPIO

Oh, I'm absolutely sure that it was nothing of any importance, sir. About ninety percent of what I heard was of a Gem and a Dark Lord, but please, Master Yoda, please don't deactivate me!

Yoda grins evilly.

THREEPIO

Oh no, I'd forgotten how much I hated to see that smile…

LUKE

(Shakes his head, wincing)

You're in trouble, Threepio…

YODA

Well, perhaps deactivate you I shall not, because have an important task for you, I do.

EXT. TATOOINE DESERT – DAWN THE NEXT DAY

A speeder zooms past, carrying Luke, Yoda and Threepio. Blasting from the stereo is "I Will Survive". Threepio stares straight ahead in the drivers seat, trying as best he can to ignore Luke and Yoda, who are waving their hands in the air and singing (more like wailing) along at the top of their voices. Yoda sings with his own syntax just to annoy Threepio even further.

YODA

SURVIVE, I WILL! AS LONG AS LEARN HOW TO LOVE, I DO, STAY ALIVE, I KNOW I WILL!!!

THREEPIO

(Loudly, over music)

BUT MASTER YODA, SIR, WON'T THIS ATTRACT ATTENTION???

YODA

YES IT WILL, BUT PASS US OFF AS NUTCASES, THE DARK LORD'S SERVANTS WILL!

THREEPIO

I SEE YOUR POINT, SIR!

The speeder pulls up in the middle of a rather deep depression in the ground. Yoda takes a remote out of his pocket.

YODA

(Seriously)

Take care, the two of you must. Servants in many places, the Dark Lord has. Remember this, Luke – trying to return to its true Master, the Gem is. Wants to be found, it does. And my CD, give back to me.

Threepio looks uncertainly at the CD in his hand, unsure of whether or not it was good for the galaxy to give it to Yoda.

YODA

TO ME, GIVE IT!!!

Threepio hands him the CD. Yoda presses a button on the remote, and his X-Wing seems to materialise in front of them, for its cloaking shield has been dropped. The canopy opens up and Yoda climbs in, stepping into a flight suit and pulling on a helmet as he does. His Artoo unit beeps a greeting. The canopy then draws shut and Yoda takes off.

LUKE

(After Yoda's X-Wing has disappeared into the sky)

Well, we'd better get going.


	4. At the Sign of the Mos Eisley Cantina

Part Four

AN: Duro is a planet that has an atmosphere too poisonous to live in and so the people live in cities that orbit the planet.

A Holocron is a device that you can use to call up the spirits of Jedi who have long passed away and, who knows, maybe you can have a lovely chat.

EXT. TATOOINE – BEGGAR'S CANYON

The speeder slows to the stop as Beggar's Canyon begins to loom up in front of it.

LUKE

Stop the speeder, Threepio!

THREEPIO

But, Master Luke, I've already stopped it!

LUKE

Yeah, I know that. I just want to drive it through here.

Threepio is terrified at the thought that they might crash.

THREEPIO

(Splutters)

B-b-but sir! The chances of flying through this canyon and surviving are –

LUKE

Shut up! This way it'll be harder for the stormtroopers to follow us!

He throws Threepio out of the speeder and climbs into the driver's seat. Threepio lands on the dirt nearby with a slight clunk.

He stands up and brushes himself off, before shuffling over to the other side to get in the passenger seat.

THREEPIO

(Mutters)

I simply can't understand human behaviour…

He gets into the passenger's seat while Luke is grinning to himself.

LUKE

All right there, Threepio?

THREEPIO

(Complains)

_No_, Master Luke, how can I be alright? You just threw me out of the speeder like a wrestler would – 

LUKE

(Ignoring Threepio)

You strapped in?

THREEPIO

(Continues)

Once again, _no_, Master Luke, I have _not_-

Luke lets out a manic laugh, pushes the control stick forward, and suddenly the speeder zooms off at full throttle.

THREEPIO

-ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!……

EXT. TATOOINE – CLIFF

A stormtrooper stands alone on a cliff, overlooking the Lars homestead and the surrounding area.

BBURRU, DURO'S LARGEST ORBITING CITY – HANGAR

Yoda's X-Wing lands. The canopy is pulled open and Yoda climbs out. A two-metre tall figure dressed entirely in black approaches him.

ANAKIN

(Mocking tone)

What the hell are you doing here, Yoda?

YODA

(Formally)

Master Skywalker. Good to see you, it is, hmm!

BBURRU – EXT. SPACESHIP FACTORIES

Yoda and Anakin walk past the extensive spaceship factories amongst a crowd of workers and techs (technicians) on their way to or from work.

ANAKIN

Are you sure about this? This couldn't happen, what with me being the Master Jedi!

YODA

(Smirks)

So, all-powerful, after all, you are not, hmm?

ANAKIN

(Indignantly)

Don't mess with me, Yoda! All these long years, the Gem has been on Tatooine…my %^&*en HOME, of all planets! GAAHHH!

He stops and begins to bash his helmeted head on a nearby pole.

YODA

Still have your helmet on, you do, Master Skywalker.

Anakin stops banging his head on the pole and turns on Yoda.

ANAKIN

And yet YOU were stupid enough not to notice it! I KNEW your love of those stupid people has blinded you!

YODA

(Grins)

Forgotten that born on Tatooine as well, you were, have you not?

ANAKIN

(Meekly)

I was talking about the moisture farmers, Yoda.

YODA

(Grin widens)

Ah, but married a moisture farmer, your mother did, hmmm!

ANAKIN

(Whines)

Oy, you shut up about Mummy! Anyway, how did we end up talking about this?

YODA

(Shrugs)

Know, I do not. Anyway, short on time, we are! Yet time enough to kick Exar Kun in the pants!

Anakin looks at him as if he is stupid.

ANAKIN

Of _course_ we have enough time to kick that dude in the pants! I mean, how long does it take? Like, one second, maybe even half?

It's now _Yoda's_ turn to look at _Anakin_ as if _he's_ stupid.

YODA

Meant that metaphorically, I did! Hit his forces where it hurts most, we may, if given enough time!

ANAKIN

(winces underneath his mask)

Oh, yeah. I understand. The pants. Where it hurts most.

(Recovers)

But what time do you think we have, Yoda?

INT. ANAKIN'S MANSION – THRONE ROOM

Anakin sits on the throne, while Yoda stares jealously at everything around him.

ANAKIN

Welcome to my home, Yoda. I know it's not much, but – 

YODA

(In amazement)

Not much??? Not much, you say, hmm? Want your house, I do! Slimy mud hole, my home on Dagobah is!

Anakin allows himself a triumphant grin, before continuing.

ANAKIN

Even though the guy can't take a physical body yet, Exar Kun has won back much of his former power. The Dark Side clouds our vision, so that gives him the advantage. He can see all, Yoda. Hidden inside that fortress of his, he can even see everything, right down to our very souls. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Yoda's eyes widen in astonishment.

YODA

Saying, you are….BIG BROTHER, he is?

ANAKIN

(Pauses)

I never thought of it that way. But, in a way, yes, he is. It is called the HoloCam of Kun. Exar Kun is gathering all evil, and he could very soon destroy the entire galaxy with the army that he has assembled.

YODA

Find out, how did you?

Anakin leads him into another room and activates a holoprojector. The display shows a small, handheld cube.

Yoda looks at him severely.

YODA

Very dangerous, a Dark Jedi's Holocron is.

ANAKIN

(Shrugs)

Tell me, Yoda, why should we be afraid to use it?

YODA

(Narrows his eyes)

Influence you easily, spirits of Dark Jedi can!

Yoda once again has a brief vision of a clouded figure as the holoprojector is switched off.

ANAKIN

There's a lot less time than you think there is, Yoda. The Nine TIE Fighters have already crossed Hutt Space in direction of the Corellian Run.

Yoda realises that Tatooine is not far off the hyperspace route called the Corellian Run.

YODA

Reached Tatooine, they have!

ANAKIN

Let's face it, Yoda, they're going to find the Gem and kill the guy who has it.

YODA

…Luke…

He starts for the door, but finds that it has been locked from the outside.

YODA

(Grunts, trying to pry the door open)

Stupid to lock the doors from the outside, you were! MMMMMM!!!

ANAKIN

(Scoffs)

You didn't _really_ think that a single farmboy could bring down the entire Empire, did you? No one can do such a thing! All we can do is join him, Yoda. It's the only wise decision.

YODA

Wise? Wise, you say? Joining force with evil was wise since when, hmm?

Anakin – now Darth Vader ignites his lightsabre as Yoda also ignites his. As they clash, the room is filled with the light of the blades as the blaze away, and the humming and sizzling as they cut through the air. Vader eventually knocks Yoda's lightsabre from his hand and the handle falls to the floor with a seemingly deafening clatter.

VADER

Fine. I gave you the chance to join me. But you've chosen the hard way.

Waves of Force lightning lance out from Vader's fingertips and strike Yoda with terrifying ferocity. Yoda writhes in pain as the lightning lifts him towards the ceiling, and he eventually falls unconscious.

EXT. THE OTHER END OF BEGGAR'S CANYON

The speeder zooms away from the canyon, Luke yelling triumphantly, while Threepio sits in stunned silence, completely rattled.

LUKE

(Punches the air)

YEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

THREEPIO

Let's never, _ever_ do that again!

LUKE

(Innocently)

But why not, Threepio? It's fun!

Threepio rounds on Luke.

THREEPIO

(Angrily)

Master Luke, I began to think we'd never make it out alive at the speed you were driving!

LUKE

(Incredulously)

The speed _I_ was going?

(Rolls eyes)

Pfft, that was for _babies_!

THREEPIO

(Squeaks)

_Babies_? Oh, my!

LUKE

Besides, Threepio, we're still on Tatooine, it couldn't be any worse than this!

At that moment, another speeder, carrying Artoo and Detoo, seems to appear out of thin air in front of them. Luke swerves to try and avoid it.

LUKE

HOLY %^&*!!! WHAT THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY'RE DOING???

ARTOO

*What the - ?*

DETOO

(Grumbles)

*Damn it, the cloaking shield _still_ doesn't work!*

ARTOO

*_Cloaking shield? _No wonder we couldn't see anything!*

DETOO

*You're an idiot, Artoo.*

ARTOO

*Yeah, I love you too.*

Luke continues to yell at them.

LUKE

WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING NEXT TIME, WILL YOU?

ARTOO

(Points accusatively at Detoo)

*It's not my fault. It's his! 

He suddenly activated the cloaking shield and, like, you know how you can't see in or out of it when it's up. Well, we were just testing ours out to see what was wrong with it and it suddenly dropped on us again.*

DETOO

(Sarcastically)

*Hah! Yeah, you love me. Like hell!*

ARTOO

*Anyway, where the hell are you guys off to?*

Luke leans closer to Artoo and Detoo

LUKE

(Whispers)

Mos Eisley.

ARTOO

*You've gotta be kidding, right? Mos Eisley's back the way you came from!*

LUKE

Yeah, well, we're taking the long way. We're staying clear of the main routes there, because…

DETOO

*Because what?*

LUKE

Because…

A faint rumbling noise that can only be another speeder is heard, coming from the canyon. Luke hears it and glances back toward it fearfully

LUKE

…Oh, %^&*. Get into my speeder, quick! My shield still works.

ARTOO

*But -*

LUKE

Don't ask why, just do it!

THREEPIO

Oh –

LUKE

_Shut up, Threepio!_

Artoo and Detoo climb into Luke's speeder and Luke flips a switch and carefully manoeuvres the speeder away from their tracks, so as not to kick up any dust. As the shield goes up, everything visible from inside the speeder goes pitch black.

Everyone is silent with fear as the roaring of the approaching speeder grows ever louder, before suddenly stopping. Luke silently reaches for a torch and turns it on, which is of no worry to any of the others inside his speeder, because the light can't penetrate the shield.

They listen carefully as the stormtrooper speaks to someone via commlink (AN: that's the little microphone thing they use).

STORMTROOPER'S VOICE

Commander, this is RK-625 reporting. I found a speeder here –

Everyone shoots an accusative glance at Luke, who presses his lips in a thin line and tries hard not to shiver.

STORMTROOPER'S VOICE

(Cont'd)

- But it's been abandoned. There aren't any more life forms on my scope. I'll check Mos Espa and report back.

Luke shuts his eyes and leans backwards in his seat in silent relief. The roar of the stormtrooper's speeder starts up again and gets softer as the speeder cruises off into the distance. Luke waits until he is sure the speeder has disappeared over the horizon before letting down the shield.

He looks at the patch of ground where the droid tracks should have been and sees only settling dust.

LUKE

(Sighs)

Lucky he was going so fast that the dirt he kicked up covered up those tracks!

DETOO

*What was that all about?*

LUKE

(Whispers)

They want something I have, alright? It's important that we get to Mos Eisley right now.

ARTOO

*Right _now_? Luke, do you _know_ how long it takes to get to Mos Eisley from this side of the canyon?*

LUKE

Yeah, about three or four hours if I floor it. Alright, let's chuck a U-turn.

He turns the speeder around and heads back into the canyon.

THREEPIO

(Shakes his head)

Oh, no…

The canyon is so narrow that the walls seem as though they are about to graze the side of the speeder. Threepio looks as if he is about to be sick. Everything seems a blur as Luke expertly weaves the speeder through the twists and turns of the canyon, his face contorted with concentration.

TWO MINUTES LATER…

The speeder is now in a wider part of the canyon and is still going at full throttle.

LUKE

Why do I have a bad feeling that something's going to happen?

ARTOO

(Warily)

*Erm, well…Luke, Detoo and I have picked up another three speeders behind us!*

DETOO

*Yeah, Imperial speeders…and it looks like they're following us!*

LUKE

Well, I know who'd be desperate enough to follow us into the canyon!

DETOO

*%^&*, how many of these things are we picking up!?*

LUKE

I don't know, Let's take the shortcut! We'll go for the ramp!

He veers the speeder to the right, and it zooms up an incline that is usually used as a service ramp in the Podraces. The speeder ends up on top of the canyon, and continues on this path out of the canyon.

LUKE

Well, that should give us an extra few hours when we get to Mos Eisley. 

EXT. MOS EISLEY – STREET – EARLY EVENING

Luke's speeder pulls up out side the Mos Eisley Cantina, which has an inn out the back.

THREEPIO

Master Luke, might I ask why we are here? Master Yoda could be anywhere in Mos Eisley, for all we know!

LUKE

Trust me Threepio, this is the safest place to meet in Mos Eisley. Come on, Artoo, Detoo. Come on!

They make their way into the Cantina.


	5. Ben

AN: Bacta is the stuff that Luke was floating around in in The Empire Strikes Back after Han rescued him. It helps heal wounds and stuff like that.

Part Five

INT. MOS EISLEY CANTINA

Luke, Threepio, Artoo and Detoo enter the dimly lit cantina. Creatures of every shape, colour and size sit and chat as they sip at the drinks, going about their business – or seem to be.

It's karaoke night and the person who is at the microphone is obviously a fan of disco.

LUKE

(Mutters)

Now I'm glad Yoda didn't come with us.

THREEPIO

I heartily agree with you, sir.

The bartender greets them from the bar.

BARTENDER

Hey can I help you? Whaddaya want? And who are you, anyway? We never get farmboys and droids in the same group.

Luke steps up to the bar.

LUKE

Hi, my name's Deak Darklighter, um…A little short dude named Yoda dropped by this cantina and left a message for us, I think.

The bartender scratches his head.

BARTENDER

Yoda…hmmm…yeah, he dropped by just this morning…I forgot where I put the message, though…

Luke blinks meekly.

LUKE

Are you new here?

BARTENDER

Yeah, it's my first day.

LUKE

No wonder….

The droids sit down at the bar next to Luke.

THREEPIO

Hello, sir, I am See-Threepio, human-cyborg relations – 

BARTENDER

Shut up.

Threepio is totally offended

THREEPIO

WHY DOES EVERYONE TELL ME TO SHUT UP?

ARTOO

(Ignoring Threepio and pointing at someone at another table)

*Hey, what's that stuff that guy's drinking?*

DETOO

*I don't know, something alcoholic definitely, since he's acting so drunk…*

ARTOO

*I want one, then.*

DETOO

*I don't think so, mate. It'll fry your circuits. Besides, we don't eat or drink anything at all, remember? We're droids. We live on power.*

ARTOO

*Oh, yeah! I forgot about that!*

DETOO

*You're an idiot, Artoo.*

ARTOO

*No need to remind me.*

THREEPIO

Oh, do be quiet, you two.

DETOO

*Threepio, this is a BAR…*

THREEPIO

(To Luke)

Master Luke, sir, I couldn't help but notice that the old man sitting in the corner over there hasn't stopped looking at you ever since we came in here.

He points over at a figure in tattered dark brown robes, sitting alone in a darkened booth. Luke stops the bartender.

LUKE

Um, excuse me, who's that guy in the corner over there?

BARTENDER

Oh, him? I know I haven't been working here long, but I have seen him around. He's a crazy old hermit who lives out beyond the Western Dune Sea. He's known around here as Ben Kenobi. Don't know his real name, though.

LUKE

Ben Kenobi…

The name rings a bell, but Luke can't quite put a finger on the reason why. The Gem, which is still in the pouch tied to his utility belt, beckons to him.

GEM

(Whispering)

Skywalker…..sssskyyyyyywaaaalkerrrrrrrr…

DETOO

*Skywalker? Yeah, that's Luke!* (points to Luke)

Panicked, Luke smashes his fist down on top of Detoo's dome.

DETOO

OW!!! DON'T _DO_ THAT!!!

LUKE

(Rubbing his hand)

OW!!!

He notices that a big ugly bruise has appeared on his hand and reaches into the pouch, thinking that he has bacta patches in there. He feels the Gem and sees the clouded figure, the Dark Man.

DARK MAN

You cannot hide. I see everything.

Luke cringes.

DARK MAN

…Ewww, you're sick!!!

Luke lets go of the Gem and finds himself being dragged downstairs to the rooms by Ben.

BEN

You're a bloody idiot!

LUKE

Am NOT! What do you want from me, huh?

BEN

I want you to be more careful! That's no bacta patch that you have in that pouch!

LUKE

(Stubbornly)

I don't have anything in my pouch!

BEN

(Dryly)

Oh, really? Then that's some talent you have in making yourself invisible. I can use the Force to disguise myself or draw attention away from me, but I can't do so much as that!

LUKE

Who the hell are you?

BEN

Are you afraid?

LUKE

I'm not afraid!

BEN

(Laughs)

You will be, young one. You will be! I know who's looking for you!

The three droids charge into the room, threatening Ben if he has hurt Luke.

THREEPIO

Stop right there, sir!

ARTOO

*I could zap you from here to infinity you hurt him!*

BEN

I've never seen such devotion in a droid before, but that's not going to save you. You can't stay here to wait for Yoda, Luke. They've arrived already.

EXT. MOS EISLEY – STREETS

Four of the Stormtroopers sent from Kessel arrive at Mos Eisley, with search warrants for every house in the town. They soon arrive at the Cantina and go downstairs to the rooms. They search the darkened room where Luke, Ben and the droids appear to be resting or powered off, and shoot them. When the pick up the bodies, they find that they are really decoys.

In anger the stormtroopers throw the decoys to the floor and leave the room in a huff.

Panels in the floor suddenly pop up and Luke, Ben, Threepio, Artoo and Detoo climb out of them.

LUKE

What the hell were those?

BEN

Imperial Stormtroopers. They were once ordinary people with personalities, going about their everyday business. Before the Dark Times. Before Exar Kun. Then they were taken from their families and brainwashed to serve their Master. Now they are mere machines with the physical forms of humans.

He gives an apologetic look at Threepio, Artoo and Detoo.

THREEPIO

No offence taken, sir.

BEN

(Cont'd)

They're drawn by the power of Kun, Luke, and the feel the Gem's power. They'll never stop looking for you.

INT. MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT – DOCKING BAY 94 – THE NEXT MORNING

Luke and the droids follow Ben to Docking Bay 94, the humans in Bright orange flight suits and carrying helmets, in a rather deserted part of the spaceport, where 5 brand spanking new X-Wings are waiting for them. Luke turns to the camera.

LUKE

With Class One hyperdrives?

Yes, with Class One hyperdrives.

Luke jumps up and down, punching the air.

LUKE

YEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben turns around

BEN

(Sharply)

Silence, or they may see us!

LUKE

(Sheepishly)

Sorry, Ben. Anyway, where are you taking us?

BEN

(Shortly)

Into space.

ARTOO

*Ben, how do we know that you're really Yoda's friend?*

BEN

You've no choice but to trust me.

THREEPIO

But where in the galaxy are you taking us, Ben, sir?

BEN

To Alderaan, Threepio, where resides Bail Organa and his daughter, Princess Leia.

LUKE

Princess?

ARTOO

*Princess, huh?* (Whistles)

Luke slaps him on the dome.

LUKE

Shut up. She's mine, mate!

ARTOO

Ow! No, she's not!

LUKE

She's not even your species, dude.

ARTOO

Damn it.

THREEPIO

I've never been to Alderaan!

The X-Wings' canopies pop up, and he, Ben, Luke, Artoo and Detoo climb into their own X-wings.

BEN

I'm sure you know how to pilot X-Wings. It should be easy enough if you know how to drive landspeeders.

Luke glances fearfully at Artoo and Detoo.

They strap themselves in, pull their canopies shut and power up their X-Wings. Luke and Ben pull their helmets on. The roar of the X-Wings fills the bay as they lift off gracefully and disappear into the sky.

EXT. SPACE AROUND TATOOINE

The five X-Wings fly in tandem as they break through the atmosphere and into space.

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

BEN

Alright, I'll send you the hyperspace co-ordinates of Alderaan, and we'll all make the jump on my mark.

The others voice their affirmatives over the commlink and Ben keys in the co-ordinates before sending it to the navicomps (navigation computers) on their X-Wings. He sets his own navicomp.

BEN

On my mark…Three…Two…One…MARK!

Ben sees the stars around him stretch into starlines as he pulls the lever back.

EXT. SPACE AROUND TATOOINE

The X-Wings seem to jerk forward and vanish into hyperspace.


	6. Flight to the Asteroid Belt

AN: Nazgủl are like the higher-ranking stormtroopers.

EV stands for Extra-Vehicular

The _Alderaan_ is Leia's personal ship which she owns under a made-up identity, and is, of course, named after you-know-what. It's not a fighter as far as I know, but it is in this.

Part Six

INT. VADER'S MANSION – THRONE ROOM

Anakin picks up the Holocron and activates it. A hologram of a dark shape appears.

VADER

The firepower of Bburru is yours, Master.

KUN

Good. Make me an army, Vader. A grand army that will crush – 

VADER

All right, no need to get all poetic on me!

He flicks off the Holocron and goes into his study, shoving the Holocron into his pocket.

INT. VADER'S MANSION – STUDY

He settles down in his study, looking rather troubled. Stormtroopers enter, looking extremely out of place in their white armour against the dark walls of the mansion.

STORMTROOPER

KJ-649 at your command, sir.

VADER

There is much to do.

EXT. ROOF OF VADER'S MANSION

Yoda, wrists bound to the topmost spire of the roof, watches as stormtroopers force people to build more starships at blasterpoint.

VADER

Enslave them all.

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

The mottled blue sky of hyperspace swirls past the cockpit window as Ben tries as hard as he can to stretch in his pilot's chair. He clicks on the commlink.

BEN

We're coming up on Alderaan. Get ready, I'm going to – 

He is suddenly thrown back on his seat as the mottled sky becomes starlines, which then contract into the little pinpricks that are stars – ten seconds too early. The cockpit shudders as it is bombarded by thousands of tiny rocks, and as bigger ones sweep past. Ben furiously struggles to regain control of his ship.

BEN

(Angrily)

RIGHT! WHO THE %^&* DID THAT?

THREEPIO

(Tentatively, over commlink)

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir, but it was I –

BEN

DAMN RIGHT, YOU'D BETTER BE TERRIBLY SORRY! WE CAME OUT OF HYPERSPACE 10 SECONDS TOO EARLY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED?

THREEPIO

(Over commlink)

Well, sir – 

BEN

(ignoring Threepio)

WE COULD HAVE FLOWN RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF A STAR, AND – 

INT. LUKE'S X-WING – COCKPIT

BEN

(Cont'd, over commlink)

- THIS TRIP WOULD HAVE ENDED BEFORE WE COULD THINK ANOTHER THOUGHT!

 Luke looks down at his radar screen and sees several red dots approaching.

LUKE

Erm, Ben…?

BEN

(Over commlink)

Hang on, I see them.

THREEPIO

(Over commlink)

See them? See what?

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

BEN

(Checking his radar)

Imperial TIE Fighters, five of them, coming right at us. Alright, everyone, lock S-foils in attack position!

EXT. SPACE – X-WINGS

The wings of the five fighters seem to split, forming the X-shape that gives them their name, and turn to face the incoming TIE fighters. As they approach, an exchange of laserfire begins.

EXT. SPACE – LUKE'S X-WING

Luke sweeps in for a closer shot at the TIE fighters, but a stray green laserbolt scores the hull of his X-Wing, and bursts into flame.

INT. LUKE'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Luke repeatedly presses the firing button, but nothing happens. The cabin begins to electrify and he panics.

LUKE

I'm hit!!!

THREEPIO

(Over commlink)

Oh, dear! Hold on, Master Luke!

BEN

(Over commlink)

You can't do much good with your X-Wing out of control, Luke! Go EV and I'll pick you up!

LUKE

All right!

EXT. SPACE – LUKE'S X-WING

The canopy opens and Luke is propelled upwards from his X-Wing, just as another stray laserbolt strikes it. The X-Wing explodes into a ball of flame and sends shrapnel flying everywhere. Luke is bombarded by the shrapnel and wraps his arms tightly around himself, trying desperately to seal any holes in his flight suit, ignoring the pain of the hot metal against his skin. He feels the Gem and wraps his fingers around it, but doesn't disappear.

DETOO'S X-WING – R2 SOCKET

Detoo pilots his X-Wing from the R2 socket, just behind the cockpit, as does Artoo.

DETOO

*Is Luke going to die?*

BEN

(Over commlink)

No, but I don't know how to properly heal such burns. Threepio, do you have any spare bacta patches?

INT. THREEPIO'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Threepio deftly evades the laserfire pouring in from all sides.

THREEPIO

Bacta? Of course I have bacta patches, but they're still in the homestead on Tatooine.

BEN

(Over commlink)

Damn it!

EXT. SPACE - BATTLE

Another, slightly bigger fighter, known as the _Alderaan,_ appears out of hyperspace, and into the dogfight.

INT. _ALDERAAN_ – COCKPIT

Princess Leia sits in the pilot's chair, steely faced and ready for battle.

LEIA

What's this, a Jedi Knight caught off his guard?

BEN

(Over commlink, stubbornly)

Shut up. You're a Jedi, too!

LEIA

(Laughs)

Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'll take Luke and take care of those TIE fighters, alright? My ship's faster.

BEN

(Blows raspberry, over commlink)

Damn you.

LEIA

Anytime, Ben.

EXT. SPACE - LUKE

The _Alderaan_ dodges the laserfire and approaches the orange-suited figure floating around in space. Luke is barely conscious, and he turns his head to see the approaching starfighter. He hears a female voice in his head

LEIA'S VOICE

Luke. Hear me, Luke. I'm Princess Leia Organa; I'm here to rescue you.

LUKE

(Weakly)

You're…who?

LEIA'S VOICE

I'm here to rescue you. Yoda's down on the planet, and I'll take you to him and my father.

LUKE

Yoda?

LEIA'S VOICE

(Angrily)

DER! What did I just say? I've been looking for you for two whole days, damn it! I need a bath! I need real food! I need to get out of this ship!

LUKE

Sorry, just asking!

LEIA'S VOICE

Listen, I'll open the airlock for about three seconds, that's all the time you have to get on board, before I can't breathe.

LUKE

Yeah, okay.

INT. _ALDERAAN_ – AIRLOCK

The airlock opens and Luke fumbles his way on board. The hatch closes. Leia runs up to him and drags him along the floor towards the cockpit.

INT. _ALDERAAN – _COCKPIT__

Leia throws Luke into the copilot's chair, strapping him in, before settling back into her own chair and taking the controls again.

EXT. SPACE – _ALDERAAN_

The _Alderaan_ lingers in front of the TIE fighters, luring their attention.

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

BEN

(To Leia, yelling)

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU _DOING?_ GET OUT OF HERE WHILE YOU'VE STILL GOT THE CHANCE!

LEIA

(Over commlink)

Yeah, alright.

EXT. SPACE – _ALDERAAN_

The _Alderaan_ turns and streaks away from the battle, taking with it the TIE fighters. They are being lured towards an asteroid field.

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Ben sees what is happening and yells.

BEN

(Disbelieving)

You're not actually going to be flying _in_to an asteroid field?

LEIA

(Over commlink)

They'd be crazy to follow us, wouldn't they?

THREEPIO

(Panicked, over commlink)

Your Royal Highness, the odds of getting through an asteroid field are three thousand, seven hundred and twenty to one!!!

INT. _ALDERAAN – _COCKPIT

Leia has an annoyed scowl on her face as the ship hurtles towards the asteroid field.

LEIA

Shut up.

She switches off the commlink.

EXT. SPACE – ASTEROID FIELD

The _Alderaan _hurtles into the asteroid field, skilfully dodging the giant rocks that fly at it. Part of the way through, it stops and lands on an asteroid, while the TIE fighters wait fearfully at the edge of the asteroid field.

INT. _ALDERAAN_ – COCKPIT

With the flip of a switch, Leia opens a commlink channel to the waiting TIE fighters.

TIE PILOT

(Over commlink)

Give Skywalker to us.

LEIA

(Bluffs)

Skywalker? What's a Skywalker? This guy here's no Skywalker, he's my fiancé, we're getting married right after we land!

TIE PILOT

(Over commlink)

Congratulations to the both of you. Hand him over to us.

LEIA

Nope, you'll just have to come and get him if you want him.

She flicks off the commlink and waits.

EXT. SPACE – ASTEROID BELT

The TIE fighters enter the asteroid belt, heading for the small ship waiting on an asteroid not far ahead of them.

INT. _ALDERAAN _– COCKPIT

Leia squeezes her eyes shut and stretches out her hand towards the fighters, summoning the Force.

LEIA

(Mutters)

C'mon…c'mon!

EXT. SPACE – ASTEROID BELT

As the TIE fighters make their way through the gigantic floating rocks, other asteroids suddenly converge upon them, crushing them flat and pulverising whatever is left of the pilots. The explosions cannot be seen or heard.


	7. Many Meetings

Part Seven

AN: _Halfway Across the Galaxy and Turn Left_ is actually a book by Robin Klein, one of my favourite authors as a kid. I just thought it was suitable for this, if you consider the position of Alderaan from Tatooine on the Galactic Wall Chart…

Oh, and Wookie speech translation (you know how Chewbacca can't speak English, he can only roar) in between these strangle little dashes ~~.

Did I forget to point out that anyone who plays the part of an Elf isn't human in this?

INT. _ALDERAAN_ – COCKPIT

Luke, sprawled in the copilot's chair, lets out a yell of pain as he tries to lean to one side and touches one of his burns on the arm of the chair. He is weak and is fading into unconsciousness. His eyes begin to drift shut…

Leia takes one look at him, and then continues to stare ahead as she grips the controls, manoeuvreing the _Alderaan_ in the direction of the planet Alderaan.

LEIA

(Through gritted teeth)

Not now, damn it! Don't do this to me _now_! 

(Shrilly)

I haven't studied that many healing techniques, I gotta get you back to my dad…

Luke falls completely unconscious and his head lolls forwards.

LEIA

(Panicked)

Damn! Alright, healing techniques, healing techniques…what did Yoda teach me…? Oh, crap, I'm _never_ going to make it back in time...

(Sighs gravely)

I'll just have to try.

She tentatively takes one hand off the controls and touches her fingers to Luke's forehead, falling into a trance allowing her to pilot at the same time as heal Luke.

The scene dissolves into light

BAIL ORGANA'S VOICE

Listen, Luke. Come back to us. We can't afford for you to die.

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – MEDICAL WING

The medical droid Too-Onebee extends an appendage to the bacta tank in which Luke is floating, unconscious, in the thick, gelatinous slime. A small light in the appendage glows red, and Luke's eyes snap open as he floats towards the surface.

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – MEDICAL WING – RECOVERY ROOM

Luke, sitting on a bed, zips up a brand new flight suit and admires himself in the mirror. All of his burns have long faded and he is back on his feet. He hears a tap at the door, and activates his commlink.

LUKE

Who's there?

YODA

(Over commlink)

Me, it is, you fool! Master Yoda!

LUKE

Hang on; I'll open the door.

He flips off his commlink and goes over to the door, activating a switch that unlocks it.

The door slides open, revealing the two-foot-tall Jedi Master, leaning on his gimer stick. He hobbles in and the door slides shut.

LUKE

Master Yoda, could you please tell me where I am and what time it is? I haven't been outside and no one's bothered to tell me what planet I'm on.

YODA

Ten hundred hours, the local time is, on the 24th day of the tenth lunar cycle. The planet Alderaan, you are on, in the palace of Bail Organa. Hm.

Very fortunate that here, you are. Any longer time and beyond our ability to heal, you would have been. Yet have some strength in you, you still do, young Skywalker!

Luke sits back down on the bed.

LUKE

What happened, Yoda? Why weren't you at Mos Eisley?

YODA

(Sighs gravely)

Apologise very deeply and sincerely, I do, young Skywalker, for delayed, I was.

His eyes go unfocused, remembering what happened.

EXT. BBURRU – TOP OF VADER'S MANSION

Vader has Yoda in a Force grip over the edge of the roof, trying to Force choke him. Yoda is in a meditation trance, steeling his neck with the Force and making it impossible for Vader to choke him.

VADER

(Rolls his eyes)

I give up!

With a flick of his hand, Vader sends Yoda flying over the surrounding buildings and in the distance.

YODA

YAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh…

Unseen by Vader, an X-Wing fighter with an open canopy skilfully manoeuvres around the buildings and catches Yoda. The canopy then snaps shut, and the spaceship zooms off into space.

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – MEDICAL QUARTERS – RECOVERY ROOM

Luke waves a hand in front of Yoda's eyes.

LUKE

You still there? Hello?

Yoda jumps and blinks.

YODA

(Slightly disoriented)

What? Yes, Luke?

LUKE

What's the matter?

Yoda slowly shuts his eyes, as if to block out everything that has happened, before opening them again.

YODA

Nothing. No, not for you to worry about.

LUKE

Oh.

The door slides open again and Threepio shuffles in, followed by Bail Organa himself.

THREEPIO

Master Luke! How wonderful to see you fully functioning again!

LUKE

Thanks, Threepio.

YODA

(Chuckles)

Hardly left you, Threepio has. Never before have I seen such dedication in a droid!

THREEPIO

We were so worried about you, Master Luke, isn't that correct, Master Yoda?

YODA

Saved, you were, by the medical skills of Bail Organa's droid, and by Princess Leia's Forces skills also!

BAIL

I bid you welcome to Alderaan, Luke Skywalker!

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – HALLWAYS

Luke explores the hallways of the Palace with Threepio. Two identical robotic figures can be seen.

LUKE

Artoo! Detoo!

Artoo's head swivels around.

ARTOO

*Is that Luke?*

DETOO

*Is it really him?*

Artoo sees Luke and Threepio.

ARTOO

(Ecstatic)

*IT IS! IT REALLY IS!*

DETOO

*LUKE! YOU'RE ALIVE!*

Artoo and Detoo charge over to Luke excitedly and almost bowl him over in the process.

ARTOO

*WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE FOR!*

LUKE

(Overwhelmed)

Thanks, guys, I'm fine, I really am!

DETOO

*Oy, have we got someone for you to see, haven't we, Artoo?*

LUKE

Really? Who is it!

OWEN'S VOICE

It ain't all that surprising to see you here, kid!

Luke looks up from the droids to see the familiar face of his uncle.

LUKE

Uncle Owen!

Uncle and nephew embrace.

LUKE

Uncle Owen, how have you been?

Owen hands him a datapad. Luke snatches it out of his hand and turns it on.

LUKE

(Reads)

_Halfway Across the Galaxy and Turn Left, a Moisture Farmer's Tale_, by Owen Lars! That's great!

OWEN

(Regretfully)

I meant to visit places like Corellia…you know, to catch up with some old buddies, and then to go to Ithor to take another look at the Mother Jungle…even to visit Hoth again…

Luke winces.

LUKE

Why the hell would you want to go back _there_? I seem remember you talking about getting hypothermia from when that cave collapsed around you and Yoda, and he only used the Force to avoid the two of you getting crushed…then the ice began to melt!

OWEN

Yeah, but it brings back memories, you know?

LUKE

(Firmly)

I'm never going back to Tatooine again. It's so boring compared to everything out here!

OWEN

Ahh, Luke, you'll be saying something different when you've had your fair share of adventures…

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – ONE OF THE CONTROL ROOMS

Threepio bustles around the control room, looking for some spare droid parts that might just come in handy sometime. Luke walks in.

LUKE

Ready to leave so early?

THREEPIO

Oh, certainly, Master Luke. I've had quite enough of space travel if you don't mind my saying.

LUKE

But I thought you wanted to try your hand at being one of those waiter droids.

THREEPIO

Yes, I already have, but haven't we already done what Master Yoda has requested? We have delivered the Gem this far, and as you are already dully functional again, I was thinking that maybe the time was about to come when we would return home to Tatooine.

Luke thinks for a moment.

LUKE

You know what? I think you're right, Threepio. The Gem's going to be safe here on Alderaan, but I don't really want to go home yet…

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – BAIL'S OFFICE

Bail sits at his desk, Yoda sitting on a hovering chair in front of him.

BAIL

So, young Skywalker is now free of injury.

YODA

Hm. Physically healed, the burns seem to be, yet never complete the healing is. Carry the burns for the rest of his life he will, be whether he knows or not.

BAIL

But he has come so far to Alderaan carrying the Gem. By doing that, he's shown quite a resistance to its evil power.

YODA

Yes. Quite a burden it is, one that Skywalker should never have had to take on.

BAIL

Master Jedi, the Empire has made yet another move against us. Kun's forces are amassing in the region surrounding Yavin, his sights set here on Alderaan. And Master Anakin – 

YODA

(Interrupts)

Vader, his name now is. Anakin is he no longer.

BAIL

Sorry, Vader, you say, has betrayed us. Many of our allies have turned against us already.

YODA

That treachery of his…hmmm…goes much deeper than we are able to see…

(Shuts his eyes)

Clouded by the Dark side, my vision is…

(Sighs, opens his eyes)

Hm…much cloning is he doing, as well as starship building on Bburru City…cloning humans.

Building an army capable to travel without rest, and starships that can travel at an even greater speed than those of our most advanced.

At point four-five times past the speed of light they can travel. Hm.

BAIL

Then only the _Millennium Falcon_ will be able to outrun them…

Master Yoda, the Gem cannot stay here on Alderaan. Our Force powers will simply be unable to conceal the evil.

We don't have the strength to fight both Vader and Kun…

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – HANGAR

The _Lady Luck_, a sleek freighter also capable of space battle, settles down in the hangar. The ramp lowers, revealing Lando Calrissian, a dark hair, dark skinned businessman and also a gambler, in more ways than one. 

Many aides, who arrived in their small snubfighters, follow him out of the hangar. On their way, they march past the _Millennium Falcon_.

Perched precariously on top of the _Falcon_ is Han Solo, a tall, roguish man with pointed ears and looks as though he's just woken up.

He is busy yelling at a tech and pointing out everything that he's done wrong with trying to fix it.

HAN

(Pointing furiously at an open hatch that reveals different coloured wires)

No, no, stop it! _This_ one goes there, _that_ one goes_ there! Right?_

The tech nods blankly, stunned.

Han jumps down from the _Falcon and shakes his head with disgust._

HAN

Bloody techs. They don't know anything.

On his way out of the hangar, Han pushes past Chewbacca (or Chewie), an even taller creature who looks like a half-bear, half dog, coated with shaggy dark brown fur. Chewie spins around indignantly.

CHEWIE

~Hey, watch it!~

HAN

(Mutters)

Sorry 'bout that.

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – BAIL'S OFFICE

BAIL

The entire galaxy is in danger, Master Jedi, and it is all of us who must decide on how to rid the galaxy of this danger. Pointy-eared folk are passing slowly, Master Jedi, you and I soon to be two of those who have passed. Who will the galaxy look to when we are gone? Wookies and other tree-dwellers are content in the forest and most never want to leave.

YODA

Place our hope in humans, we must.

BAIL

Humans? Humans are weak and easily tempted! Their race is failing, and their spirit is all gone! Where are the truly loyal humans now, other than those loyal to the Empire? The others have forgotten all of their pride and dignity…it's because of them that the Gem has survived. I was there myself, on the day when their strength gave in!

FLASHBACK – 3 996 YEARS AGO – SPACE AROUND YAVIN

Two snubfighters zoom in closer to the surface of the burning gas giant. In one of them is Bail and in the other is Ulic Qel-Droma

INT. BAIL'S FIGHTER – COCKPIT

BAIL

All right, Ulic, you know what to do!

ULIC

(Over commlink)

Erm, do what?

BAIL

RELEASE THAT DAMNED SPARE PARTS CANISTER, YOU DUMBASS!!!

INT. ULIC'S FIGHTER – COCKPIT

Ulic grins sheepishly

ULIC

Erm…whoops?

INT. BAIL'S FIGHTER – COCKPIT

Bail gives a look of utter exasperation.

BAIL

WHAT!?

ULIC

(Over commlink)

Erm…I kind of, like…left the Gem back at base…

END FLASHBACK

The scene returns to Bail's office. Bail clenches his fists in fury.

BAIL 

(Voice quivers with anger)

He lied to me and kept the Gem for himself, allowing evil to prevail. I should never have trusted that damned idiot. There's no strength left in humans anymore. They're scattered…divided…with no one to lead them.

YODA

Hm…a leader there still is. One who could unite the humans and reclaim that title.

BAIL

He gave up that path long ago, Master Jedi, and has chosen to live as a hermit.

EXT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – BALCONY

Han and Lando sit at a table, playing a game of sabacc (an "electronic" card game – think a futuristic version of poker or something, but where all the values can change when the dealer pushes a button).

LANDO

Master of Sabres. That makes my total twenty.

Lando shows his cards. Han grins as he lays down his hand.

HAN

Idiot's Array! That sabacc pot is mine, pal.

He takes the pile of credits that have accumulated.

LANDO

Well, I'd better be off, then. See you later when I beat you, old buddy.

HAN

Whatever!

Lando leaves and Leia enters, glaring at Han, who looks up.

HAN

So, Your Worship, we meet again.

LEIA

(Coolly)

Yeah. So?

HAN

(Stands up, shoves the money in his pocket)

So what?

LEIA

So, I saw you cheat against Lando, using that skifter!

HAN

(Hotly)

I didn't cheat!

LEIA

Yeah, sure you didn't!

HAN

Why the hell do you always try to get me in worse trouble that I'm in and try to get your dad to lock me up, huh? I don't cheat at card games…well, not all the time…You know why I think you do that?

LEIA

Why?

HAN

I bet it's just because you can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight!

Leia shoot him a ferocious glare, but he continues to grin smugly.

HAN

Come on, admit it!

Leia looks almost vulnerable.

HAN

(Triumphantly)

Ah-haah! Come on, admit it!

LEIA

(Laughs)

You're imagining things.

HAN

(Triumphantly)

Oh, am I? Then why are you following me? Afraid I was going to leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?

Leia slaps him across the cheek.

LEIA

I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie!

HAN

(Rubbing his cheek)

I can arrange that!

He turns on his heel and storms indoors.

HAN

(Cont'd, retreating)

YOU COULD USE A GOOD KISS!!!


	8. The Council of Bail

Part Eight

AN: Yes, Chewie's dad's name really is Itchy, can't remember the full name.

The "Fear" chant is actually one of the Tone Poems on the TPM DVD – it's Darth Maul's one.

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – CONFERENCE ROOM

A council is gathered around Bail Organa, who is at the head of the conference table.

BAIL

Strangers from distant planets, fellow citizens of the Alliance. We gather here today to answer the threat of Yavin. This galaxy stands upon the edge of utter destruction from the Empire, which we cannot escape.

We shall unite, or we will fall.

Every species, every planet, is bound to this fate…this ultimate doom, unless we do something to stop this.

Show us the Gem, Luke.

Luke stands and sets the Gem in the middle of the table for everyone to see. Lando's eyes glitter.

LANDO

So it's true, then! This thing does exist.

SOMEONE ELSE

(Mutters)

Duh…

LANDO

(Indignantly)

Oy, shut up, whoever just said that! We could use this thing against them! Pitch rancor against rancor! Did you know that we of the mining and weapons corporations have spent billions of credits, just to save your skins? Your planets are protected by our dough…our booty! Give us their ultimate weapon, and give them a taste of their own medicine!!!

BEN

(Stands)

You can't wield this, Lando Calrissian. Not one of us is able to. This Gem answers only to one Sith, and that Sith is Exar Kun himself. It has no other master.

LANDO

(Sneers)

And what would an old fossil like you know about this?

HAN

(Stands)

He ain't no ordinary fossil, buddy, let me tell you! This old man is Obi-Wan Kenobi, descendent of Ulic Qel-Droma himself. You'd better pay him your respects!

LANDO

(Stammers)

Obi-Wan…Qel-Droma's heir?

HAN

(Lifts an eyebrow)

And heir to the throne of the Colony Worlds, I'll add!

BEN

Sit down, Han.

Lando pauses, before glaring at Ben.

LANDO

The Colony Worlds have no ruler…they don't need one!

YODA

Correct, Master Obi-Wan is. Control it, we cannot. Hm.

BAIL

We have only one choice…the Gem must be destroyed!

Distress radiates through the Force from the Gem. Chewbacca stands up and howls.

CHEWIE

~Come on, what are we waiting for? ~

He picks up his crossbow. In a split second, Han stands up and tries to shove Chewie's arm out of the way.

HAN

No, wait, Chewie, WAIT, NO -

Chewie shoots at the Gem, hitting it dead centre.

Luke sees a flash of red light, and the laser bolt is deflected, and bounces off the magnetically shielded walls of the conference room.

Everyone yelps and throws themselves to the floor as the bolt zips by over their heads. Chewie is flat on his back, wondering what just happened. The bolt suddenly vanishes in midair, and everyone cautiously gets back into their seats.

BAIL

The Gem can't be destroyed, Chewbacca, son of Itchy, by any technology that we have. This Gem was forged in the fires of the gas giant Yavin. Only there can we destroy it. Someone must take it deep into that planet, and throw it back into the fire that made it. And it's not going to be me who does that, I can tell you!

LANDO

But you can't just appear in the Yavin system, straight out of hyperspace! They have trackers everywhere, you know, and those TIE fighter pilots are pretty damn good – 

HAN

(Stands up again)

Bantha fodder! Just because you can't shoot doesn't mean we have to take whole legions of troops with us! Didn't you hear what Bail – I mean, His Highness just said? The Gem's gotta be unmade, _pal_!

CHEWIE

(Growls)

~Oh, and I suppose _you're_ going to do it yourself, Mr. Hot Shot Smuggler? ~

LANDO

Yeah, and what if we don't make it? What's going to happen then, huh? You tell me how you're going to fight your way out of it!

HAN

You know almost as well as I do that there's nothing like a good blaster at your side!

CHEWBACCA

~I'll die before I see a smuggler holding the Gem! ~

Everyone else except Luke jumps up and starts yelling at each other.

CHEWBACCA

~NEVER TRUST A SMUGGLER! SMUGGLERS ARE LIARS, CHEATERS AND SCOUNDRELS! ~

YODA

(Shrilly)

STOP REPEATING YOURSELF, YOU MUST! SAME THING, ALMOST, A LIAR, A CHEATER AND A SCOUNDREL ARE!

A soft chant can be heard from the Gem.

_Fear._

_Fear attracts the fearful_

_The strong_

_The weak_

_The innocent_

_The corrupt_

_Fear_

_Fear is my ally._

The entire council is reduced to arguing as the Gem grows a dark, smoky aura, living on the distrust and anger surrounding it.

LUKE

Shut up.

No one can hear him.

LUKE

SHUT UP! I'LL TAKE THE BLOODY THING, ALL RIGHT???

Yoda hears it, and the silence settles over the group.

LUKE

I'm going to take the Gem to Yavin…but I don't know how to get there. I don't know any of the hyperspace co-ordinates.

There is a pause.

YODA

Help you in this quest, I will, young Skywalker. Need insanity with you all the time, or perish, you will!

BEN

As will I. You have my lightsabre.

LUKE

(Raises eyebrows)

Really?

Han also steps forward, behind Luke.

HAN

But hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid. Like I said before.

CHEWIE

~And I'll keep this loser in line!~

HAN

Oy, shut up!

CHEWIE

~You shut up!~

HAN

Who are you telling to shut up? I'm not going to shut up!

LUKE

Shut up, both of you! You're both as bad as each other!

LANDO

Listen, kid. Whether we're going to get pulverised or something like that or not during this journey, well, that all rests on you now. If this is surely what the Council wants, then so be it.

The door to the room slides open and Threepio bursts in.

THREEPIO

Master Luke could never survive without his servant at his side!

BAIL

Well, certainly not, even if he was invited to a secret meeting and you were not!

Artoo and Detoo roll into the conference room after Threepio.

ARTOO

*Don't leave us behind! You'll have to deactivate us and, even then, we'll power up ourselves and go anyway! *

DETOO

*Anyway, you need artificial intelligence to sort this sort of stuff out! *

ARTOO

*Well, you're definitely not talking about yourself, then, Detoo. *

BAIL

Nine companions…amen. You shall all be the Fellowship of the Whingers.

THREEPIO

I beg your pardon, sir?

BAIL

You all whine like idiots, you deserve the name! You've earned it!

THREEPIO

Oh!

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – OWEN'S QUARTERS

Owen gives Luke his old lightsabre.

OWEN

That's my old lightsabre…go on, take it! It's not going to bite!

Luke ignites the lightsabre, and a metre-long beam of blue light appears from the handle.

LUKE

Cool!

Owen nods knowingly.

OWEN

Sure is, huh? Made by none other than your very own father…my brother. It self-ignites when Imperials or anyone unfriendly is close. It's times like those when you've got to have your wits about you…but you've got to have your wits about you all the time, especially then.

LUKE

Ah, I can imagine.

OWEN

Here's something else you'd want.

He hands Luke a strong piece of Rebel trooper armour – a chest plate.

OWEN

Super-Tough Plasteel. It's lighter than you'd ever imagine, yet as hard to break as a Star Destroyer's hull. Try it on, why don't you?

Luke begins to take off his farmboy robes, revealing the pouch in which the Gem is, hanging from a chain on Luke's neck. Owen has a strange look on his face.

OWEN

Oh, my old Gem!!! You know, I'd like to touch it again, you know, just to feel it.

Luke steps away, pulling his robes back over the pouch. Owen's eyes suddenly bulge as he lunges at him.

OWEN

AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He then recovers, looking more tired and older than ever.

OWEN

Kid, I'm really sorry…It's all my fault that all this has happened to you…Sorry about everything…

Luke warily edges closer to his uncle.

INT. ALDERAANIAN PALACE – HANGAR

The _Millennium Falcon_, the _Lady Luck_ and seven other X-Wings lift off the ground and soar out of the hangar, one by one, into the blue skies of Alderaan.

EXT. SPACE

The nine starships vanish into hyperspace, one by one.

INT. REBEL BASE – DOCKING BAY

The Fellowship has stopped off at a Rebel Base orbiting a planet whose name will remain undisclosed, to refill their supply of rations. Yoda returns with containers full of them, and throws them to the floor, letting a clatter ring throughout the entire hangar.

YODA

Believe, I cannot, that exhausted so quickly, the ration supplies have!

He glares pointedly at Chewie, who shrugs innocently.

CHEWIE

~It's not my fault that rations don't fill you up as well as they should! ~

Artoo and Detoo are sparring with Lando, the movements of their claws as deft as is possible for astromech droids as they wield their lightsabres, which are set to low power.

LANDO

That's great! You nearly got me there, see?

Ben yells as much criticism as he can at the droids.

BEN

Move your feet!

DETOO

*We _can't_! *

ARTOO

*We have no feet! We only have wheels! *

BEN

Roll your wheels, then!

CHEWIE

(Loudly)

~If anyone wants to know what I think, which isn't so apparent, I say we're taking a detour! Master Yoda, you know the map of the galaxy off by heart. It'd cut our journey by weeks if we go via the Death Star. A lot of people I know work there. ~

Yoda glances wearily at Chewie.

YODA

Hm. Chewbacca, never visit the Death Star again, would I, unless forced to, I was.

Lando accidentally hurts Detoo

DETOO

OW! Hey, you melted a bit of my plating there, you idiot!!!

LANDO

Oh, sorry!

Detoo drops his lightsabre and charges into Lando at full force, sending him reeling. Artoo joins in, and the two of them begin to zap him with tiny electric bolts

LANDO

AHHH! Hey!

Han is, once again, perched on top of the _Millennium Falcon_, and is staring into the cockpit. He suddenly notices something on his radar screen.

THREEPIO

Whatever must be the matter, Captain Solo?

CHEWIE

~It's probably just a loose bolt or something in that cockpit of his. Don't worry about it. ~

Everyone joins Han on top of the _Falcon_ and stares at the radar screen in the cockpit. They see dozens of tiny red blips headed right at them.

HAN

Oh, _shavit_!

LANDO

What?

HAN

Imperial probe droids.

LANDO

How do you know-

HAN

HIDE, DAMNIT! EVERYONE INTO THE _FALCON_!!! I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE TO HIDE!!!

Everyone clambers down the _Falcon_ and runs up the lowered ramp.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ – HALLWAY

Han stops to give everyone instructions, and everyone nods.

INT. REBEL BASE – HANGAR

Pinpricks appear in space, which gradually become bigger and do turn out to be small, round Imperial Probe droids. All of them land in the hangar, and extend a scanner out of the tops of their heads. The scanner moves around in circles in complete silence for a full minute.

INT. SOMEPLACE DARK INSIDE THE _FALCON_

Someone can be heard swallowing nervously.

INT. REBEL BASE – HANGAR

One by one, the probe droids blow up, letting off resounding bangs throughout the base. 

INT. SOMEPLACE DARK INSIDE THE _FALCON_

LUKE

Oh, crap…

Han raises a finger to his lips.

INT. REBEL BASE – HANGAR

One remaining probe droid hears Luke and goes aboard the _Falcon_.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ – HALLWAY

The probe droid scouts the hallway, looking for any sign of life. He continues on to the rest of the ship.

LATER…

The probe droid goes back down the ramp empty-handed. Suddenly it stops for a moment, before finally blowing up.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ – HALLWAY

The empty-looking hallway remains for a split second, before the floor panels begin popping up and being pushed aside. Han pushes himself up out of one of the secret compartments and rolls over on the floor. The rest of the Fellowship also begin to clamber out.

HAN

Well, that was close!

YODA

Hmmm…being patrolled, this whole hyperspace route is…Take to the Ice Fields, we must.

The Fellowship climbs into each one of their ships.

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS

Nine ships appear out of hyperspace just before the Ice Fields begin, and continue their way in. Chunks of ice and snow of varying sizes float before them, against a backdrop of space.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON – _COCKPIT

Han grits his teeth as he enters the ice field, bracing himself against the tiny shard of ice and snow that bombard the _Falcon_.

HAN

Damn, I really have to get myself a co-pilot…

BEN

(Over commlink)

There is no need for any panic. The snow and ice will only do minimal damage to our shields, at this point of the journey.

INT. LUKE'S X-WING – COCKPIT

LUKE

(Sarcastically)

At _this_ point of the journey…now I can relax!

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS

As the ships go deeper into the ice fields, it becomes clear that some members of the Fellowship are not as talented as pilots as you might originally think. The _Millennium Falcon_ skilfully dodges the ice and snow, as the rest of the ships keep crashing into them, no matter how hard they try.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ – COCKPIT

Han grins smugly as he stares at the viewport. Over the commlink, cries of frustration and anger can be heard.

CHEWIE

(Over commlink)

~Whew, just missed me! ~

BEN

(Over commlink)

GAHHH!!!

LUKE

(Over commlink)

Han, how the hell -?

HAN

(Laughs)

I learn, kid!

LUKE

(Over commlink, shouts)

I'm hit!!!

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

All attention is focused on the X-Wing with the open canopy and the orange-clad pilot floating above it. Ben can just make out a piece of string with something attached to it floating away from Luke and recognises it as Luke's "necklace" – with the Gem inside.

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS

Ben's X-Wing drifts over towards Luke, as does the _Lady Luck_.

INT. _LADY LUCK _– COCKPIT

Lando has his eyes strangely fixed on the pouch with the Gem inside.

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Ben stares suspiciously at the _Lady Luck_, as Luke uses an oxygen squirter to propel himself back to his undamaged X-Wing, knowing that he'll have to use the spare oxygen supply.

LANDO

(Over commlink)

It's kind of weird that all we're fighting to destroy is this little rock, isn't it?

Ben flips some switches, opening his S-foils to attack position (The X-shape the X-Wings are named for.)

BEN

Let Luke have it.

On his way back to his X-Wing, Luke grabs his pouch and ties the string back around his neck.

INT. _LADY LUCK_ - COCKPIT

LANDO

Whatever. I don't give a damn.

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS

The _Lady Luck _turns around and zooms off to join the other ships. Ben closes his S-foils as Luke settles himself back into his own X-Wing. 


	9. The Gem Goes South

AN: Yoda's spelling of the word 'code" is not something I made up – it's in Aurek-Besh, it's the alphabet that the Imperials used.

Part Nine

INT. VADER'S MANSION – MEDITATION CHAMBER

Vader sits in the stark white meditation chamber, eyes shut.

VADER

So, Yoda, you decide to lead them into the Ice Fields…and if you don't get through, where will you run? Would you take a more dangerous route?

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS

The space around the starships is very thick with snow and ice. Only Han is able to evade every single snowball and chunk of ice successfully, while the other X-Wings and the _Lady Luck_ is completely battered.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ – COCKPIT

Han's fingers fly over the controls as he skilfully manoeuvres his ship through the ice fields. He looks down at his sensors and has a hunch that something bad is about to happen.

HAN

I have a bad feeling about this…

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Yoda is staring out of his cockpit window.

YODA

Vader, it is!

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS

Tiny shards of ice accelerate towards the small fleet of ships.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON _– COCKPIT

Han deftly flips a lot of switches on his dashboard.

HAN

All right, everyone, switch deflector shields to full power and hide behind that snowball at about…um, what the hell, just follow me! Repeat – 

INT. LUKE'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Luke listens intently to the orders being given out.

HAN

(Cont'd, over commlink)

Switch deflector shield to full power and follow me!

Scene switches to every cockpit as everyone switches their deflector shields, before we end up at

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS

The conglomeration of X-Wings and freighters surge after the _Millennium Falcon_, which is headed towards a gigantic chunk of ice big enough to shield all of the ships.

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS – BIG CHUNK OF ICE

The tiny shards of ice fly like darts at the bigger chunk, only to strike it, or to fully miss and sail off into infinity.

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Yoda has his eyes shut, concentrating and trying to calm the ice fields with the Force. However…

EXT. BBURRU – TOP OF VADER'S MANSION

Vader has also squeezed his eyes shut, and is trying to bombard them with more pieces of ice.

INT. _LADY LUCK_ – COCKPIT

LANDO

Yoda we've _got_ to get _out of here_! Look, we'll make a detour to the Tingel Arm and then make a run for Coruscant!

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Ben glares furiously at his commlink.

BEN

No! Lando, that is exactly where we _don't_ want to go!

LANDO

(Baffled, over commlink)

Really? Why's that?

BEN

(Scowls)

Look, do you want me to show you with charts and diagrams? IT'S TOO %^&*EN CLOSE TO DURO, YOU DUMB@$$!!!

LANDO

(Stupidly, over commlink)

Oh!

BEN

(Mutters, covering commlink)

Dumb@$$.

INT. CHEWIE'S SLIGHTLY LARGER X-WING – COCKPIT

CHEWIE

~Or we could pay a visit to the Death Star! I've got a homing beacon aboard it, and my family would warmly welcome all of us!~

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Yoda frowns.

VADER

(V.O.)

The Death Star…that place scares the s*** out of you! What's the matter, Master Yoda? Chicken?

Yoda's eyes flash with anger.

YODA

Let he who has the Gem decide, we must.

INT. LUKE'S X-WING – COCKPIT

LUKE

Let's go, then.

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Yoda's frown deepens.

YODA

Proceed, his decision will.

EXT. SPACE – ICE FIELDS

The ships vanish into hyperspace once again.

EXT. SPACE – DEATH STAR

Tiny pinpricks rapidly grow to become the nine ships. The camera pans to follow the ships, and reveals the true enormity of the gigantic space station called the Death Star.

INT. _LADY LUCK_ – COCKPIT

Lando's eyes widen in shock and amazement.

LANDO

Geez, look at the size of that thing!

YODA

(Over commlink)

The Death Star, that is.

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

YODA

Form a message, all those towers do.

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT VIEWPORT

We get a closer look of the great attention paid towards the detail in constructing the Death Star.

YODA

(V.O.)

Reads, it does: Stay the hell out of here, if know what is good for you, you do. Enter only, you must, if have the code, you do.

DETOO'S X-WING – ARTOO SOCKET

DETOO

*What the f*** does that mean?*

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Yoda lets out a nasty laugh.

YODA

Then know something you do not, I do! MMMM-hm-hm-hm-hm-hmmm!!! (Sighs) Know exactly, I do not, either. Yet believe, I do, that if have the code, you do, then enter, you can.

He extends his arm and closes his eyes, concentrating.

YODA

(Commands)

OPEEEEEENNNNN SESAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXT. SPACE – DEATH STAR SURFACE

Nothing happens.

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

BEN

(Cynically)

Have you been reading _Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves_ again?

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Yoda shakes his fists with fury.

YODA

GAAAAHHHHH!!!!! WORK, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO!!!

INT. BEN'S X-WING – COCKPIT

BEN

…I'll take that as a yes.

TWO HOURS LATER…

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Yoda is still trying to figure out the code.

YODA

ABRACADABRA! KABAM-SHAZAAM!!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR-FIVE-SIX-SEVEN-EIGHT!!! 0-1-0-0-0-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1!!!

He sighs and finally gives up.

LUKE

(Over commlink)

Master Yoda?

YODA

Yes, young Skywalker?

INT. LUKE'S X-WING – COCKPIT

LUKE  
How do you spell the word "code"?

INT. YODA'S X-WING – COCKPIT

Cresh-osk-dorn-esk.

EXT. SPACE – SURFACE OF DEATH STAR

A small hatch, just big enough to fit all of the ships in at once, opens.


	10. A Journey in the Death Star

AN: Lando's first quote from this part is a take-off of "That's no moon…it's a space station!" - Ben in ANH.

Part Ten

INT. DEATH STAR – HANGAR

The nine ships enter the hangar and land. Ramps are lowered and canopies are pushed up, and our heroes emerge from them and survey the mess that they fell that they've landed themselves in.

CHEWIE

~Soon you'll be able to enjoy the hospitality of the Wookiees, Han. Red meat, straight off the bone, you know, stuff like that…this is my dad Attichicuk's home. And they call it…a battle station. A _battle station_! ~

Lando's gaze drifts over to a clutter of bones, sprawled on the ground in the corner.

LANDO

That's no battle station…it's a tomb!

Everyone notices a lot more of the Wookiee skeletons that lay around them than before.

CHEWIE

~NO! ~

Han marches over to one of the skeletons and points out the blast marks all over it.

HAN

Bloody stormtroopers!

LANDO

See? Told you we should have took for the Tingel Arm! Let's get out of here!

Too late. Luke has already found a grate, opened it and crawled into it.

LANDO

…Damn, we've gotta protect the kid. I'm coming, Luke! (Runs after him)

EVERYONE

We're coming too! (Follows Lando)

They jump into the grate.

INT. DEATH STAR - GARBAGE CRUSHER

One by one, they all land on top of a large, smelly pile of garbage, moving away before the next one lands on them.

HAN

Oh, man, for this I sure am glad that this thing's now derelict! (Ducks Chewie's swinging fist) Sorry, I meant no offence! I meant that because this thing's now derelict, we wouldn't get crushed!

One of the garbage piles shifts. Everyone eyes it uneasily.

LUKE

There's something alive in here!

LANDO

That's just your imagination, Luke…

Luke jumps as something moves past him.

LUKE

Hey, look, did you see that? Something just moved past my leg!

THREEPIO

I have a bad feeling about this. The water in here is beginning to fry my circuits!

ARTOO

*Alright, let's just get out of here…* 

DETOO

*As in right -* 

Suddenly, a slimy tentacle fastens itself around Luke's leg and drags him into the depths.

LUKE

ARR – (glug, glug)!

EVERYONE ELSE

Luke! LUKE!!!

The owner of the slimy tentacle, the Dianoga, surfaces and shows its' big, ugly head, waving Luke around in one of its' tentacles. Chewie roars in anger, charging at it.

HAN

Whoa, holy – 

LANDO, THREEPIO, ARTOO AND DETOO

Luke! LUKE!!!!!

YODA

USE THE FORCE, YOU MUST, LUKE!

LUKE

(Wails as he is being flung around)

HO-O-O-O-W???

BEN

Trust your instincts!

LUKE

A-A-L-R-I-I-GHT, I WI-I-ILL!!! SOMEONE SHOOT IT, SHOOT IT!!! MY LIGHTSABRE'S FRIED!

HAN AND LANDO

WHERE?

LUKE

_ANYWHERE!!!_

Han takes a random shot at the Dianoga and shoots it in the eye, leaving a single, smouldering eyestalk. The Dianoga still isn't dead.

EVERYONE, EXCL. LUKE

(Winces)

Ouch!

LUKE

HE-LLOOOO??? IT'S NOT DEAD YET!!! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Everyone else pauses for a moment, before they begin to charge (or wade) at the Dianoga.

EVERYONE

YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yoda gets to the Dianoga first and begins to whack it with his gimer stick.

YODA

YAH! YAH! BAD DIANOGA, BAD DIANOGA!

He beats the Dianoga into submission and it lets go of Luke. Luke drops onto a pile of garbage and stumbles to his feet, thoroughly stunned.

LUKE

%^&*, I thought that thing was going to be the end of me! Now, how do we open the door?

YODA

Leave that to me, you should.

Everyone stares at Yoda, confused, as Yoda clears his throat.

YODA

(In a high-pitched, very bad Bee Gees impersonation)

DANCING, YOU SHOULD BE, YEAAAAH!!!

Everyone plugs their ears, wincing as the horrible shrieking breaks metal garbage crusher door. Yoda stops, before bowing proudly.

YODA

Thank you very much, I do.

LANDO

Are you finished yet?

YODA

Finished, I am. Hm!

He hobbles through the door.

Letting out sighs of relief, everyone else uncovers their ears and follows.

INT. DEATH STAR - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE GARBAGE CRUSHER

Everyone who has hair tries to shake the water out of it as they stumble out of the garbage crusher.

YODA

Have but one choice, we now do. Be on alert, we all must…for many fouler things than Dianogas and dead Wookiees, there are. Quieten down, we must, so that remain unnoticed, we can.

HAN

Great, how long does it take to get out of here?

Artoo is busy accessing the Death Star's information network, Detoo matching from behind him.

ARTOO

*Four days.* 

EVERYONE ELSE EXCL. YODA

_FOUR DAYS!?_

YODA

(Presses finger to his lips)

Shh! _Unnoticed_, I said!

They sulkily follow Yoda along the corridor, until they approach a fork which splits the corridor into three. Yoda stops.

LANDO

We're lost…we're gonna die…

BEN

Shut up. Master Yoda, where do we go now? That one (points to the left corridor), that one (points to the middle one), or that one (points to the corridor on the right)?

YODA

Remember this place, I do not!

THREEPIO

Oh, Captain Lando was right! We _are_ lost!

DETOO

*No, Threepio, we are not lost.* 

ARTOO

*But I think we're lost, too!* 

LUKE

Ben?

BEN

What?

LUKE

(Shyly)

I'm busting to go to the –

BEN

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, COULDN'T YOU JUST HAVE DONE YOUR BUSINESS ALL OVER THE DIANOGA, BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE SAVED US A WHOLE LOT OF

HAN

Ben? Shut. Up.

Ben goes silent.

LUKE

But hey, people, I also think there's something back in the garbage crusher – 

BEN

Oh never mind, he just wants to go to the –

YODA

Palpatine, it is.

LUKE

Palpatine?

HAN

Palpatine?

BEN

Palpatine?

LANDO

Palpatine?

ARTOO AND DETOO

*Palpatine?* 

CHEWIE

~Palpatine?~

THREEPIO

Oh, my goodness!

YODA

Tracking us, he has been.

LUKE

So you mean he broke through Kessel's shields?

YODA

Set loose, maybe. Both hates and loves the Gem, he does, as hates and loves himself, he does. Rid of his addiction, he will never be.

LUKE

Man, now I feel so sorry that Uncle Owen didn't blast him.

YODA

Sorry, you say, hmm? Spared Palpatine, your uncle did, because felt sorry, he did! Kill so easily, you must not, young Skywalker, for a major part in the future, that being may play. Too cloudy the Dark Side is, for me to learn much more. But in the end, youngling, rule the fates of many, Uncle Owen's sorry feelings may.

LUKE

(Clutches the small pouch with the Gem inside)

I wish Bilbo never picked up this damn thing. Then it would never have been passed on to me. I wish none of this had happened.

YODA

Also wish it, many who see such things do. Yet decide it, they do not. What to focus on, is what to do about it. Other forces working, there are, young Skywalker, other than the Dark Side. Meant to find the Gem, Owen was, therefore meant to have it, you were…. Artoo, where to go are we?

ARTOO

*Well, according to the map on the computer, I think we should take the right one. I'll give us a lovely little shortcut.*

EVERYONE ELSE

(Whispers)

Yippee.

They follow Yoda down the corridor on the right.


	11. A Journey in the Death Star II

Part Eleven

NOTE: A Chicken Walker, also know as an AT-ST (All Terrain Scout Transport), can be seen in Return of the Jedi. They are those gigantic, two-legged machines that you see walking around on the forest moon during the Ewok battle.

INT. DEATH STAR – HALLWAY

Our favourite heroes shuffle their way deeper into the mind-boggling labyrinth that is the Death Star, Yoda in the lead.

YODA

Hope I do, that threatened by lightsabres, no one is.

He unclips his lightsabre from his belt and ignites it with a SNAP-HISS. A shaft of light appears, but there is no definitive colour – the colours keep changing.

Lando squeaks and jumps backwards.

HAN

Oy, relax! (Mutters) Idiot.

LANDO

Hey, I heard that!

HAN

Never mind. Wasn't talking 'bout you

LANDO

Oh.

They approach a huge blast door. Yoda keys in a code and the doors rumble open. He begins to say something, but is interrupted by Threepio.

THREEPIO

(Excitedly)

Why, my goodness, this is the Wookiee settlement of Deryshjakk!!! I've read _so_ much about this city in –

Luke slaps him.

THREEPIO

Ouch!

LUKE

Shut up, Threepio.

THREEPIO

Shutting up, sir.

Chewbacca sees a very well-disguised door at the corner of his eye.

CHEWIE

~Oh, sh**…~

LANDO

Chewie, hang on –

Chewie ignores him and runs to the door. It slides open as he approaches and the rest of the gang follows.

Chewie sees what is inside and hollers.

BEN

Chewie, wait a minute!

The gang starts running after Chewie again, into the new room. At the centre of the room is a smouldering funeral pyre. Chewie falls to him knees, trying hard not to cry, as Yoda tries to decipher the symbols written on the funeral post. The door slides shut

YODA

Need glasses, I do.

What, is that what it says?

YODA

(Glares at the camera)

No! Idiots you are! Says, it does…Lies here, Mallatobuck, wife of Chewbacca does.

Chewie bursts into tears.

YODA

(Cont'd, to Chewie)

Cry not, Chewie. Free, you are. Had a wife, I once did. Nightmare, she was!

Everyone else sighs and rolls their eyes. Yoda shuts up and shuffles his way over to a dusty holoprojector lying near the pyre. He picks it up and activates it.

HAN

I –

LUKE

-Have a bad feeling about this.

HAN

Am I really getting that predictable?

LUKE

Yep.

HAN

I really don't think we should hang around much longer.

THREEPIO

If anyone would like to know the odds of –

ARTOO

*_No, _Threepio.*

DETOO

*Trust me, we don't.*

THREEPIO

…Well, _really_!

YODA

Shut up, you must! Watching a holorecording, I am!

The holoprojector start to whir as it shines a blue light. A smaller, terrified version of Mallatobuck appears.

MALLA

~If anyone's going to find this, they've overrun the bridge and both of the main halls. We've got guards covering all the areas, but we can't hold for much longer…~

She appears to stumble and, a rumbling noise can be heard from the holoprojector, punctuated by mechanical stamping and grinding.

MALLA

(Cont'd)

~It's coming. We try our hardest to defend ourselves, but the power of their giant walking weapons is too strong for many of us.~

The projection begins to crackle and fizz with static.

MALLA

(Cont'd)

~They've managed to trap us…They're getting closer by the second…Oh!~

The recording fades completely into static.

Sadly, Yoda, flicks the holoprojector off in silence.

Meanwhile, Detoo is standing at a socket in the wall and trying to access the Death Star's computer network. Suddenly a bolt of electricity leaps out at him and touches him with an ear-splitting CRACK, which resonates. Detoo yelps and falls over backwards, the CLUNK from that also resonates.

DETOO

(Gets up, sheepishly)

*Sorry.*

YODA

You will be!

There is suddenly an awkward silence as something very faint can be heard in the distance. Suddenly Luke's lightsabre ignites, while still attached to his belt.

LUKE

(Jumps)

AGGGGHHH!!!

Artoo and Detoo try hard not to snigger. However, the others do not find this so funny, as they draw their weapons.

HAN

(Brandishing his blaster)

We've got company!

Lando runs out the door and checks around the corner, down different corridors. He starts running back after several blaster bolts singe his hair.

LANDO

(Screams)

CLOSE THE DOOR, CLOSE THE DOOR! THEY'VE GOT…THEY'VE GOT…

He faints. Chewie runs over to him and pats him lightly on the side of the face to wake him up.

CHEWIE

~What? What do they have? Tell me, so I can beat the hell out of it!~

Lando whispers something and Chewie's face paces.

CHEWIE

~Alright then…Luke, droids, stay close to Yoda!~

LUKE

Yeah, I'm not arguing with that! C'mon, Threepio, Artoo and Detoo!

He and the droids run up behind Yoda.

A random blast roars into the room, hitting the control panel that controls the door, before anyone works up the guts to go over and close it. For a moment, everyone stares forlornly as the panel is engulfed in sparks.

BEN

(picking up a stormtrooper rifle)

%^&*! Lando, give me some more energy cells!

Lando takes the energy cells from some spare stormtrooper rifles and throws them all at Ben, who takes them and charges his rifle. Ben runs over to the side of the door and props the rifle against his shoulder, as does Han.

HAN

So much for trying to block it!

As stormtroopers begin to show from around the corners, laser bolts fly from Ben's rifle and Han's blaster and strike the troopers. The familiar grinding and stamping noise gets louder and louder, filling our heroes with fear and dread (though many of them still deny it to this day). Chewie, Lando and Yoda try to do away with more stormtroopers.

Meanwhile, as Stormtroopers pour into the room, Luke and the droids also spring into action. Luke tries his best (but still very unsuccessfully) to wave his lightsabre around like a pro, as Artoo and Detoo sneak up behind other unsuspecting troopers and zapping them in the butts.

Surprisingly, Threepio is the most successful, stamping his feet to shake out spare bolts, then picking up the bolts and flicking them to the troopers' heads. Their helmets crack and the troopers fall dead.

THREEPIO

(While fighting)

Why, I never knew I had it in me!

Suddenly, larger, much more powerful laser bolts scream into the room and rock it violently with explosions.

LANDO

CHICKEN WALKER!

The gigantic chicken walker stamps into the room, the floor shuddering with each step. It takes aim at Chewbacca, who ducks out of the way as soon as a blast hits the pyre. Chewie rolls into a crouching position, picking up a crossbow and attempting to fire it, not realising that it is completely spent.

Han jumps onto the walker's foot and climbs up its' leg, holding on tightly as the walker continues to run around. He grapples his way to the top and pulls open the hatch. Squeezing his eyes shut, he fires several blaster shots at the people inside the hatch. The walker lurches forward, shaking Han off. Han drops to the floor, does a forward roll and stands up again. 

The walker's attentions are now on Luke, Artoo and Detoo. The two droids try to distract the walker by shooting sparks at it, but the walker is not fazed and continues to follow Luke, who runs into a small side-corridor that leads back into the room at the opposite end of the wall. He manages to stay hidden for a few moments, but the walker surprises him, making him fall over in shock.

LUKE

BEN!!! BEN!!!

Ben slams his lightsabre into the back of a stormtrooper and hears Luke's call. Luke slams his lightsabre into the walker's mechanical foot. Ben runs over to Luke, but is thrown backwards into the wall by the force of the walker's laser beam hitting near him. Frantically, Luke shakes Ben.

LUKE

WAKE UP, DAMN YOU! NOW ISN'T THE TIME TO SLEEP!!!

Luke dodges more of the walker's laser blasts, but the walker soon manages to stamp on him, appearing to crush him flat. Threepio sees this and wails.

THREEPIO

Oh, Master Luke! Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!

Artoo and Detoo charge at the walker, spraying huge jets of water at the windows and there disorienting the people controlling it enough for Han to get a clear shot up its' laser cannons. Carefully aiming his blaster, he fires.

There is a moment of silence, before the walker keels over on its' side and bursts into flame.

Awakened by this, Ben shakes his head in a daze, before he focuses on Luke.

BEN

Oh, no…

Luke lies on the floor, seemingly unconscious. He then opens his eyes, blinking and sits up. We see that the pressure of the walker's foot has created an imprint in the ground, as well as hear Luke's joints cracking.

THREEPIO

Oh, thank the Maker!

LUKE

I'm fine everyone, thanks for asking.

BEN

But the pressure of that foot should have crushed you flat…I don't believe it!

YODA

Hm…sense it, I do…more to this boy, there is, than we can see…

Luke reveals what saved him from being crushed flat – the armour made of Super-Tough Plasteel that Owen had given him.

CHEWIE

~I want some Super-Tough Plasteel Armour!~

BEN

I want some, too!

HAN

Luke, I'll pay you a thousand credits – 

LANDO

Two thousand!

HAN

Three thousand!

The squabbling between the four of them is silenced by the sound of more stormtroopers marching in their direction.

YODA

Hurry! To the Long, Narrow Bridge, we must flee!


	12. The Long, Narrow Bridge

Part Twelve

INT. DEATH STAR - CORRIDORS

Our heroes scramble down the long, narrow corridors of the Death Star, randomly running around corners to try and throw off their pursuers.

Suddenly they hear a rumble in the distance and the corridor starts to shake. Metal splinters fall from the ceiling not far behind them.

LANDO

Please, God, don't tell me that's what I think it is…

YODA

AT-AT Walker, that is. Beyond any of you, that infernal contraption is. Flee faster, we must!

LANDO

We are gonna die.

They run for longer, and Lando stumbles, nearly falling into a turbolift shaft. Han runs forward and grabs him by the scruff of the neck.

HAN

Not so fast, buddy. Me first.

Han takes a Swiss Army knife out of his shirt pocket, and suddenly opens up and umbrella. He jumps down the shaft.

LUKE

What does that guy carry with him?

HAN'S VOICE

Alright, Yoda, you next! C'mon!

Yoda charges forward and leaps, screaming, down the shaft.

Artoo and Detoo follow him, using their rocket packs to slow their descent. Meanwhile, the splinters are falling closer and closer. Blaster shots can be heard below.

Lando jumps down.

HAN'S VOICE

Get down! I'll cover you!

BEN

You next, Threepio!

THREEPIO

B-b-b-but sir –

Ben pushes him down the shaft anyway.

THREEPIO

-AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Chewie moves forward, ready to jump. Ben lifts a foot, ready to kick him.

CHEWIE

~Don't kick!~

Ben kicks him anyway, and Chewie howls in pain as he falls.

Suddenly the ceiling crashes down behind Luke and Ben, falling through several more floors and crushing a lot of stormtroopers. Han and Lando run beneath the new gap.

LANDO

C'mon, we've got you!

Squeezing their eyes shut, Luke and Ben run and dive through the gap. Han and Lando catch them and put them down. They take a moment to brush themselves off before our heroes do some more running. The corridor broadens before they reach a long, narrow bridge. There is a flash of light and a even louder rumble than before, the Death Star shaking violently.

YODA

Over the bridge, you must go! On the other side, the docking bay should be! Hurry, you must!

Yoda then follows the others across the bridge, turning halfway to face the gigantic, four-legged mechanical monstrosity that is the AT-AT Walker (AN: it's the type you see in The Empire Strikes Back). He conjures up the glowing blue ball with his hands and makes the Mr. Miyagi face like in Attack of the Clones.

LUKE

(wails)

YODA!!!

The Walker shoots at Yoda, but it is a wild shot – it doesn't go anywhere near anyone.

YODA

GET PAST ME, YOU CANNOT!!!! (Blows a raspberry)

APPRENTICE TO THE LORD OF THE PLAYSTATION, I AM, WIELDER OF THE ALMIGHTY CONTROL PAD! THE HAILED CD BURNER WILL NOT AVAIL YOU, VIDEO GAME PIRATE!!!

He throws the blue ball at his feet, immediately vapourising the half of the bridge that is in front of him, as well as the ground underneath the Walker, which falls, but is not without it's own tricks. It shoots at the bridge beneath Yoda's feet, and scores a hit. Yoda is holding on by his fingers.

YODA

There…is…a…nother…Sky….

He never gets to finish his sentence and falls into the chasm.

LUKE

YODA!!!

He begins to run forward, but Lando grabs him and holds him back.

LUKE

(Cont'd)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET GO OF ME, YOU FREAK!!! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

The rest of our heroes stand there in complete shock at what's just happened.

YODA'S VOICE

(Echoing)

Fly, you fools!

They then come to their senses as they see even more stormtroopers coming. They turn and run for the hangar, which is just through the door, Ben being the last one through.


	13. NabooThe Holodisc of Yaddle

Part Thirteen

AN: The "instant holodisc" part is fro Spaceballs, which belongs to a genius by the name of Mel Brooks.

INT. DEATH STAR – HANGAR

Ben charges into the hangar, where most of our heroes are leaning against their ships, stunned by grief and sudden vulnerability. Threepio is babbling words of grief in six million different languages, while Chewie howls with anger.

BEN

Han, power up and the X-Wings will dock with you just outside, okay?

LANDO

Give us a moment! I gotta go – 

BEN

Not now, Lando. This place is going to be crawling with Stormtroopers if we stay her any longer! We have to get to Naboo, and the sooner the better. Come on, all of you! Luke…Luke?

Luke stands apart from the others, moping. He then turns around and climbs into his X-Wing, as everyone else powers up. He pulls down the canopy and the X-Wings, the _Lady Luck_ and the _Millennium Falcon_ soar out of the hangar.

EXT. SPACE – NABOO

The _Millennium Falcon, _with the X-Wings aboard, and the _Lady Luck_ drop out of hyperspace before the lush green planet.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON _– COCKPIT

Ben, Luke, Threepio, Artoo and Detoo run into the cockpit, Han at the controls and Chewie in the copilot's seat.

CHEWIE

~Keep your eyes and ears open, all of you. You know, I've heard that a female version Yoda lives on this planet. Who knows, it could even be his twin sister or his clone. Anyone who spends the night under her hospitality…~

YADDLE

(Voice)

Luke.

CHEWIE

(Cont'd)

~…never leave her place again.~

YADDLE

(Voice)

Proceeds doom, your arrival here at Naboo does, Gem-carrier.

THREEPIO

Master Luke, are you alright?

LUKE

(Blinks)

I'm fine, Threepio.

CHEWIE

(Cont'd)

~Well, this chick isn't going to drag me into the party so easily! I have the attention span of a moth!~

HAN

Stop it, Chewie.

CHEWIE

~Hey, look! That star over there looks more blue than white!~

EXT. SPACE – NABOO

Suddenly, the _Millennium Falcon _and the _Lady Luck_ are flanked by Naboo Starfighters, their laser cannons pointed at them.

INT. CAPTAIN PANAKA'S STARFIGHTER – COCKPIT

Captain Panaka smirks.

CAPTAIN PANAKA

These guys show up so easily on the radar that we could have shot them down with our cloaking shields still up!

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ – COCKPIT

Han opens the comm channel.

HAN

Hey, look, pal. I have a valid landing permit.

INT. PANAKA'S STARFIGHTER – COCKPIT

PANAKA

Oh. Okay. Just remember that you can't go back, because I think the Lady is waiting.

INT. _MILLENNIUM FALCON_ - COCKPIT

HAN

Thank you!

Han shuts off the comm channel.

CHEWIE

~I told you we shouldn't come here!~

BEN

No, you never said anything to us, Chewie.

CHEWIE

~Aggh, whatever.~

EXT. SPACE – NABOO

The _Falcon _and the _Lady Luck_ follow the starfighters down to the surface.

EXT. NABOO – GUNGAN SACRED MEETING PLACE

Yaddle and Boss Nass walk, hand in hand, out of the cluster of trees and into the small clearing. Yaddle is trying hard not to make a face.

BOSS NASS

There-sa was nine of yousa coming here from Alderaan. Wheresa Yoda? Meesa would much like to speaken with him.

YADDLE

(eyes closed, solemn) Fallen, he has, into the chasm of the Death Star, yes. Very much upon the edge of a vibroblade, this quest stands. Hm. Lean to one side and fall off, you all will. Yet remains, hope does, while true, this company remains. (Coughs) Heh. Let your hearts be troubled, you must not. Go, you must. Arrange accommodation for you, I already have, yes. Weary you are, full of sorrow, toil and vulnerability. Rest now, you all must, heh. Good, sleep is.

(V.O.) Welcome, Young Skywalker, who has seen the SHADOW!

Luke jumps back, shaken.

INT. NABOO – OTOH GUNGA (GUNGAN UNDERWATER CITY) – SPECIAL QUARTERS

Our heroes sit around a table, moping. There is the sound of someone singing very off-key in the background.

HAN

A tribute to Yoda.

BEN

What are they saying?

HAN

Dunno. Haven't been listening, and I'm glad.

BEN

(To Lando)

Come on, Lando take a rest. You look exhausted!

LANDO

(Whines)

I can't sleep! I heard her voice in my head! She said something about the fall of Corellia…She said there was still hope, but I just can't see any! There hasn't been any hope for yonks! I mean, the Diktat, Hal Horn, never really had any control over the planet…and I don't think anyone really has any faith in him. I try my best to try and to the right thing, just to see that Corellians have their pride back. You remember that taste of Corellian brandy…it's great to come home to.

BEN

I've tried it before.

LANDO

When we get there, they're gonna serve heaps of it, and everyone's going to get smashed…

INT. LUKE'S QUARTERS

Everyone else is asleep in their own rooms, and it is pitch black. The lights slowly come on, and Luke stirs. He wakes up, throws back the covers and opens the door, before walking out of the room, barefoot. He follows Yaddle as she passes, to a small room with a holoprojector set into the wall.

Yaddle picks up a huge holodisc case and flips through it before she comes to the right one. 

YADDLE

Ah-hah! Jewel Wars, Fellowship of the Whingers, the Movie, this is.

LUKE

How could there be a holodisc of this movie? We're still in the middle of making it!

YADDLE

True, that is, young Skywalker. Yet a breakthrough in home holodisc marketing, there has been!

LUKE

There has?

YADDLE

Yes, young Skywalker. Hm. Instant holodiscs. Out in stores, they are, before finished, the movie is!

She takes it out of it's cover and slips it into the holoprojector. She presses a button and a hologram appears before Luke. The disc starts up, fast forwards, then stops at "now" in the movie.

LUKE

What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

YADDLE

Now! Looking at now, you are, Luke! Happening now, everything that happens now is!

LUKE

What happened to then?

YADDLE

Passed then, we did!

LUKE

When?

YADDLE

Just now. At now, we are now!

LUKE

Go back to then!

YADDLE

When?

LUKE

Now!

YADDLE

Now?

LUKE

Now!

YADDLE

I cannot!

LUKE

Why?

YADDLE

Missed it, we did!

LUKE

When?

YADDLE

Just now.

LUKE

When will then be now?

Yaddle fast forwards the holodisc a little, to a scene back at the moisture farming region of Tatooine.

LUKE

What the hell am I looking at _now?_

YADDLE

Your imagination, this is. Very real, it might become,

The image changes to Tatooine being blown up from space, then an image of Threepio slaving away in the mines of Kessel. Then there are images of the rest of the fellowship pulling faces at the holocam. Suddenly Luke feels like throwing the Gem at them. He takes out the little pouch and takes aim, but thinks better of it.

YADDLE

What will come to pass, this is, if you do not succeed. Breaking already, this Fellowship is. Try to steal the Gem from you, he will. Know who I am talking about, you do. Destroy them all, it will, one at a time.

Luke holds the pouch out to her.

LUKE

You take it, then!

Yaddle smiles evilly.

YADDLE

Offering it to me, you are…

LUKE

(Looking at her stupidly)

Well, yeah!

YADDLE

Deny that I have wanted this, I cannot. In place of a Dark Lord, a clown as a ruler, you shall have!

Her Jedi robes turn into a circus clown costume, and clown makeup appears on her face.

YADDLE

(Cont'd)

Hilarious, yet terrible as Yoda's singing! Wearing fake hair and scary as the powder on my face, I shall be! Laugh at me and hate my bad jokes, all shall!

Clown Yaddle turns back into a rather shaken Normal Yaddle.

YADDLE

Passed the test, I have! YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

She runs around, cheering at the top of her lungs.

LUKE

(Mutters)

Hell, you don't even need the Gem to become a clown…I can't trust this person, I'd rather do this by myself!


End file.
